Washington's Holiday Lights

Before the holiday season whips by us, I must share Washington’s most famous holiday light display. Nestled amongst multi-million dollar homes in a posh DC neighborhood, one can only imagine how their neighbors must enjoy the crowds that line the streets to witness this “interesting” display every evening. What you can’t see in the photo is a decorated backyard with Santa and his reindeer, a jack-in-the-box and trees representing prayers. My favorite part was watching as people pose inside the nativity scene for a photo with the bright background.

Time to Mourn the Dunkin Donuts Guy

I have been hyper-sensitive to the ever increasing presence of ol' standby Dunkin Donuts ever since they started building one near my childhood home (construction time -- approximately 18 months!) and since noting that the directions to the Yuengling brewery use the Pottsville branch as a landmark. So I was saddened to see that Fred the Baker (aka - "Time to make the donuts" guy) passed just a few days ago. Thanks for the memories...

Festivus isn't just for TBS anymore...

Inspired by my co-blogger's explaination of why the New York City transit strike ended so abruptly ("It's a Festivus miracle!"), I thought it appropriate to post this article about a Pennsylvania town that celebrates Frank Costanza's brain-child holiday.

And did you know that there is a company in Milwaukee that sells Festivus poles? If I had only known before December 23...

Licky Licky

In our continuing series of factory and other tourist attraction tours, I recently found myself at the Ben and Jerry's factory in Waterbury, Vermont. Fortunately I didn't go to Vermont just visit B&J's, as the tour was marginally lame AND they charged $3. B&J's isn't the ice cream wonderland you'd hope it to be. There is no "make your own sundae" bar, you can't roll around in large tubs of Cherry Garcia, and you don't get to pick your own ice cream flavor to sample. Visitors are only allowed to sample a tablespoon-size serving of the two flavors of the day.

Clearly, B&J's is not in the class of the Yuengling tour. I'll blame this on the corporatization of B&J's, as it was bought by the massive food/drug/toiletry conglomerate, Unilever, a few years ago. Next thing ya know, corporatization will lead B&J's to only make vanilla ice cream.

Pimp My Nutcracker

The Internet never ceases to amaze and amuse me. During this holiday season, the Internet has yet again delivered a special gem. I hope you can visit my favorite new web site, Pimp My Nutcracker. You too can design the nutcracker that has danced in your sugar plum dreams. Print out your nutcracker creation, and sneak it into a stocking for a truly special stocking stuffer.

Jesus at work...literally

Looking for a little religion during the holidays? Not sure if you’ll find it here, but it is pretty darn funny. Be sure to visit the site it is a spoof of as well. I’m not sure which site made me laugh more.

(NOTE: I think it is important to point out that my mother introduced me to this site…and just a few minutes before we left for church today.)

Mile High Club: Problematic on a Variety of Levels

Just when you thought joining the Mile High Club might be fun and entertaining (after you spent all those years dealing your feelings of potentially touching the grossness that exists in airplane bathrooms), there is a story that will cause you to rethink your future fun. This is a story of a couple who were heard in a fit of passion in the friendly skies, and were charged the fee of diverting their plane. So next time you get Mile High dreams, either be quiet or beware.

Sodas Sodas Everywhere

Quick poll: Do you ever try the new-flavored sodas that our fine, American soda companies introduce? Do you slurp down a bottle of AMP, yet another disgusting Red Bull knock-off brewed by Pepsi? What about Sprite ReMix? And I'm not going to even start on the Thanksgiving dinner sodas recently introduced by the small Jones Soda Company. Fizzy turkey and gravy in a bottle just doesn't sound appealing.

Anyway, I ask this important question because Coke today announced they would introduce a new soda called "Blak" next year. This will be a coffee infused beverage that I'm sure will be just about as popular as the wonderously famous Pepsi Kona (as my co-blogger so sagely pointed out today). I actually tried Pepsi Kona. As a coffee and cola lover, I was disappointed when the liquid touched my tongue. I have never tasted something so disgusting.

For me, the only newish soda that's worth drinking is part of a mix concocted at Baja Fresh: Mountain Dew Code Red (actually very tasty) with a few limes and a splash of Sierra Mist...tastes just like the Sonic Cherry Limeade at Sonic Drive-Ins (which tragically are no where near the northeast). And of course, my all-time favorite is the mystery cherry soda (only labeled "cherry" on the fountain sign) at Ishkabibbles in Philly. No one makes a cherry soda any better.

This guy has a lot to say

I really don’t know what to say about this. Except that this guy loves holidays. And America. And video games. And pro-wrestling. And sports. And his favorite properties on the Monopoly game board are Boardwalk and Park Place. And he does a mean write-up of his “adventure” playing Madden on the new X-Box.

WARNING: You might want to turn the volume down on your computer before visiting Mikey’s site.

A real American hero...and IM buddy of the son of God?

A little bird pointed me in the direction of Chuck Norris’ official website the other day. (No, this is not a joke) And what a site it is! Chock full of great photos and data to “inform and inspire Chuck Norris fans all over the world”.

Of particular interest:

• Chuck Mart – Still looking for a holiday gift for that special someone? How about a poster of Mr. Norris and the full text of “Chuck’s Code of Ethics”? (“I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”)
• “Christian Area” – I’m not sure what this has to do with Chuck, but the page features an email from none other than Jesus himself!!! I bet they have wicked fast broadband in heaven. It is just too bad they didn't share Christ's email address with us. I guess he doesn't want to receive any spam.
  

Turducken – Not Just Another Mystery Meat

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, we all must fondly reflect and consider the many things for which we’re thankful. This year I want to give thanks for an important part of American cuisine – the turducken. This often laughed at delicacy truly demonstrates American ingenuity. We should thank our inventive forefathers, be it in Cajun country or eastern Texas, for dreaming big and not stopping until each bird was securely stuffed. I’m sure many, many hours were spent toiling over the oven to perfect this wondrous creation. Melding the layers of turkey, duck, chicken and stuffing takes a gentle hand, hours of patience, and a strong stomach (as the above image looks a little “interesting”).

Let us also thank famed football announcer John Madden for sharing the once strange idea of several birds stuffed into each other. It was John who talked about this magical delight and gave the turducken its now famed recognition. I hope you take time to read this National Geographic tribute to the turducken, as you too will become thankful for the turducken. And the next time you have 12-16 hours to spare, perhaps you should say, “I’m going to make a turducken!”

Thank You, People

Few things brighten my day at work more than the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. The editors got it right this year by naming one of my faves, Matthew McConaughey, as the Sexiest Man Alive for 2005. Although he dates a bird girl, his ravishing good looks and sweet smile can make anyone a believer. The other sexy men included are goodies too: Patrick Dempsey (the second best guy in “Sweet Home Alabama”), Nick Lachey (yes, I’m really a teenage girl), Matt Damon (an oldie but goodie), Vince Vaughn (the brooding, bad boy, hot guy), Anderson Cooper (not as hot as Bill Hemmer, but he’s on FoxNews now, so he deserves nothing), and Clive Owen (see “Closer” and you will agree to this choice). Despite these skilled selections, People’s editors needs their collective heads examined if they really think the sleazy, over-smoked Dennis Leary and the frightening Ian McShane are anywhere close to sexy.

Finally, a political party for the rest of us

Tired of sissy, mealy-mouthed Democrats? Sick of rabid Bible-thumpin', poor-people-hatin', hypocritical Republicans? Well, brothers and sisters, I bring you good news...

I learned of the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party when voting in my local polling station here in my NYC 'hood last week. Now there's a platform I can really get behind! And they have a fun little theme song. And wacky party officers. And a fantastic web-site disclaimer! Huzzah!

Goodbye, Eddie

I may not have always liked the character he played, but I was disappointed to read this morning of the passing of WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero. He was a truly despicable wrestling "heel", and if anyone had to play the sterotypical role of "Latino Heat" he at least did it with gusto. Smackdown definitely won't be the same without you, Eddie. Thanks for the good times.

How the Rich Get Everything...Part One

Check out the latest story on WV girl Katie Lee Joel, yes, wife of the infamous Billy Joel. OK, so this girl may have slept on an air mattress in my small, un-fancy condo, and now she is rich, beautiful, famous and has a show about being a food expert. No, I'm not bitter at all. The best part of the story is when it discusses how she is an expert in food, noting that she has "worked in a few restaurants." My co-blogger put it best when he noted in an email: "I worked in a Roy Rogers. Does that make me a food expert?" I think that about sums it up.

VH1: Where One Washed Up Star Show Leads to Another

I’m not typically a voracious purveyor of VH1 programming, but this weekend Peter Brady coerced me to watch. Yes, you know, Christopher Knight, the washed-up, now over-40 former member of the Brady family. Since his pre-pubescent days on my favorite after-school rerun, he’s gotten buff and landed himself a hot model from my co-blogger’s favorite show, “America’s Next Top Model.” Of course, they didn’t meet on the street; these two met on yet another VH1 reality show where former stars go for a few more bucks, “The Surreal Life.” I must be getting old (or perhaps skanky, like his 22-year old “Top Model” babe) since I watched four episodes of the pleasant “My Fair Brady” soley because I found Peter to be charming and attractive. Perhaps Chris Knight isn’t so washed up afterall…

Anyway, things quickly went downhill after the conclusion of “My Fair Brady.” VH1’s tricky, cross-marketing efforts brought me to yet another show with washed up celebrities. “But Can They Sing” is the latest attempt by pseudo celebrities to grasp one more shot at fame thinking they are trying out for “American Idol.” I watched it primarily for glimpses of the still-hot Antonio Sabato Jr., but the show’s concept and singing participants are just ridiculous. Do you know Bai Ling or Michael Capon? Neither do I, but apparently they are celebrity-enough to get on this show. Sadly, this show was just so bad I wasn’t even amused at its lameness. Whatever you do, no matter how bored you are, do not watch this show. Back to 90210 reruns I go.

And to think I felt dirty after downloading the latest Kelly Clarkson single...

First there were porn podcasts. Now the new "video iPod" has made it possible for us all to enjoy video smut during our workouts, at the laundromat, or while waiting for the bus. Hooray for technology!

Royce's may offer choices, but Apple allows for porn portability!

Note: Special thanks to Fox News for making this important news available to America's families.

A Sticky, and Maybe Stinky, Situation

You always hear about toilet seat pranks in schools and dorms, but you don't hear much outside those realms...until now. Pop over here and you will read a cheeky story about a man who got stuck on a toilet seat at the Home Depot. It had me giggling for a few minutes. Best part was that his coworkers didn't believe he was stuck!

Special Plates Are Too Wiggy

This may truly be the most unique custom license plate in America....the "Square Dancer" plate, available to all you West Virginians out there. I thought Nascar plates, or a bowler plate (for real - this does exist), was funny, but nothing is quite as bizarre as this. Don't ya love the flowy skirt image? Next time I register a car in WV, I'm getting a fun plate like this.

Happy Halloween! But what to wear?!?

Inspired by Elle's post last week about folks selling Halloween costumes for iPods on the Internet, I decided to dress up my little friends for a little trick-or-treat action this holiday season. But I'm cheap, so we've opted to make homemade costumes over paying for those overpriced fancy-pants ensembles. Here is our first attempt -- Shuffie and Big Boy as Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

Do let me know if you have any other fun suggestions for the kids.

Not Neo-Olsens, But Real Neo-Nazis

No, these chicks aren't the Olsen twins' younger sisters. They are more like evil twins. For your daily piece of disturbing information, check out this article about two freaky 13 year olds who are singing about white supremacy. Brainwashed by their evil parents, they make records singing about how the white race needs protecting. I'm sure it won't surprise you that they are home schooled (I will not even go on a tirade about that today...). And I'm sure it won't surprise any of us when they turn to the dark side one day and become hoochies.

Anyway, this is just what pop music needs (note my sarcastic tone). If I ever hear these fools on the radio, I will immediately run out and buy an Ashlee Simpson album, because although she is annoying, she is not spreading hate.

Are Ipods the New Pet?

I'm the first to admit that my friendly Apple iBook G4 is my pet. I'm allergic to cats, dogs and probably bunnies, so my happy little reliable laptop will have to remain as my only pet. Well, its seems that other people think their iPod is a pet, as the latest craze in iPod accouterments are costumes. Yes, there is a new web site devoted to Halloween (and other holiday) costumes for iPods. Gadgets and silly stuff is all fun and games, but dressing an iPod is far worse than dressing a dog (which of course has its own ridiculous quality too). Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas present for someone who really has everything, maybe this is a site for you. And Bruiser, I know Shuffie woulda really liked to have been a pirate...

2006 Olympics Here We Come!

Bruiser and I are jazzed for the 2006 Olympic hockey tryouts. While Bruiser explored the U.S. curling circuit (for real!), he determined that a sport using a broom on ice just wasn't for him. And I just couldn't muster up enough fake emotions, or brightly colored sequined outfits, to continue any further on the ice dancing circuit. So, these "challenges" have brought us to the two-person team mini hockey competition. While we expect tough battles from the Kyrgykstan and Oman national teams, we believe our training and ample match play will be tough to beat.

Bork Didn't Bork Us

Last week, I had the "pleasure" of being wined and dined (or really, not wined enough) at National Review's 50th Anniversary party. Donning the requisite "Republican" pearls, and accompanied by a dashing Vivian Kensington, I was happy to gawk at many famous members of the dastardly party, including: the bombastic Rush Limbaugh, the psuedo-aristocratic William F. Buckley, the villainous Brett Bozell, George W's master of messed up words -- speechwriter Michael Gerson, Bob "Dr. Evil" Novak, and Sen. Joe Lieberman (who I'm sure turned over his Dem credentials as soon as the 2000 election was called to a halt).

What Republican church revival event would be complete without a "celebrity"? So, to make my night complete (since they clearly didn't tell the wait staff to pour guests enough wine), Vivian pleaded with me to get a picture alongside the infamously rejected Robert Bork. Poor guy seems to have aged without his scraggly goatee. I'm just sad that I wasn't intoxicated enough to get my own picture with an anti-celebrity.

Tony Danza Bonanza, indeed!

How’s this for a way to celebrate Columbus Day? As I was walking home from the dry cleaners yesterday I nearly tripped over Tony f’n Danza on my block! Ay oh, oh ay!

This is huge! I mean, this man wields such power that he has starred in at least 3 sitcoms as characters named “Tony” and helmed not one, but TWO shows titled “The Tony Danza Show”! (According to IMDB, he also served as executive producer for some TV movie called “Sudden Terror: The Hijacking of School Bus #17”, but I don’t remember that one.)

Why NYC chose Antonin Scalia and not Mr. Danza as their Italian-American rep to grand marshall the Columbus Day Parade, I’ll never understand.

To try to make up for this slight, I hereby dedicate today’s STSS post to Anthony Salvatore Iadanza. Thanks for making TV worth watching, Ton’!

Even Hobos Like National Parks

Ahh…I have returned from my busy travels in the American Southwest. There is much red rock, canyons and open spaces as you travel from Vegas to Utah to Arizona. It’s certainly a different world from the busy, tree-lined, coastal feel of the East Coast.

But people change when they wander away from home. I found Paulette Bonafonte taking up a hobo way of life at Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah. However, Paulette had to drink many, many beers out of a paper bag to pass out, as Utah beer can have no more than 4% alcohol. We determined that not only is 4% alcohol beer stupid, but it also tastes bad too. We deserve better from Orrin Hatch.

Multiple Wives Scare Me

I, Elle Woods, have been criss-crossing America's great Southwest during the past week, hitting places such as Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and Colorado City, Arizona. While I've missed blogging the past few days (Internet access hasn't swept the Southwest like it has in our nation's cities), I did get the pleasure of seeing my first polygamist community. YAY! It's quiet nature on a late Saturday morning and strangely sizeable houses led us (myself and traveling companion, Paulette Bonafonte) to become suspicious of what this town in the middle of nowhere was about. After a brief search upon our return to civiliation, we found that Colorado City, Arizona, is a famous polygamist community. I wish I had the chutzpah to knock on a random door and see a real-life polygamist family up close, but alas, I'm a wuss.

And don't worry, you'll get to hear (and maybe see) more Southwest adventures in upcoming days...

What's better than a $50 iBook?

This is a pretty good idea -- a $100 laptop to distribute to children in developing nations.

Just think. In a few years, school kids in Costa Rica will just have to crank their computer for 10 minutes to access the latest non-news on Save the Squared Stage!!!

Do I detect a new method to acheive international understanding and (eventually) world peace??? I think I speak on behalf of Elle when I say we here at STSS accept this responsibility with humble hearts.

Al Jazeera's New Spinmeister

This is classic. Seems the Marine captain made a superstar by the documentary Control Room is now an employee of Al Jazeera. Well, the upcoming English-language Al Jazeera International, anyway.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?

Print and audio coverage of this wackiness is just a click away.

You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried, kids...

Now that's dedication!

In response to Elle's challenge to make this blog multimedia, I offer y'all a link to a story about a girl in Moldova who loves that Harry Potter. So much so that she's transcribed the entirety of the latest book by hand because she couldn't afford to buy it. Guess she's never heard of a library card.

And if you don't like that, dig this. Or this. Kids these days are all freaks, I tell ya...

Homage to an Old Friend

The grand finale. The final in the three part series concludes with the true reason for the trip to coal country PA. While Bruiser truly captured the unique and humorous essence of our trip in his previous post, I hope this last part inspires you to grab a Yuengling.

A trip to the oldest brewery in America is not just another brewery tour – it’s a pilgrimage. For all who had the privledge of attending college in certain parts of Pennsylvania, your first Yuengling is almost a rite of passage. We didn’t embrace college life with disgusting cheap Rolling Rock or Schlitz. Instead, we were lucky that Yuengling Premium “pounders” (in returnable bottles and boxes) were cheap, and yards more tasty.

Bruiser, Paulette Bonafonte and myself grew to love Yuengling during our long days at the “Ford. Fortunately for us, leaving PA did not mean leaving Yuengling behind. The finest brewery in America has been on an upswing in the past few years, marketing their fine beers to other mid-Atlantic states. “Vitamin Y” (as I believe loyal reader “Murphy’s Lawyer” dubbed it) now surrounds us most places we turn. So thank you, Dick Yuengling, for thinking beyond the Keystone State (even though I hear you are a Republican).

But to get a full appreciation of the many brews we’ve drank over the years (but not too many, of course), we needed to see where it all began at the brewery in Pottsville, PA. The town is quaint, seemingly caught in 1955. Old churches, a quiet main street, and a brand new Dunkin Donuts greet those who visit the brewery at the top of the hill. The brewery is still the same red brick building from 176 year ago, housing caves below the surface and in the hill next door where beer was once stored. Visitors get to see it all – bottling, brewing, the old caves, and a mini museum with bottles and ads from the past (including a very odd ad campaign touting two Chinese men named “Ying” and “Ling”).

Our tour concluded with some free samples of beer, which tasted fresher than anything you get out of a keg at a bar. We didn’t get to pour our own brews, but felt just as fulfilled by standing behind the over 100 year old bar. A bit of pre-OSHA regulations history: Yuengling employees used to be able to drink at brewery bar during their workday. Now, wouldn’t that be the life?

Bruiser and Elle's Excellent Adventure -- Take 2

Thanks are due to Elle for so wittily describing our visit to Centralia. But it was a long day, with much more to talk about. Here's Part 2 of our premiere travel series:

On our way to the burning town of Centralia, we decided we would all benefit from a crash course on the wonders of anthracite coal and the impact it has had on the economy and social fabric of Pennsylvania. And what better place to learn about coal than in a coal mine! Fortunately, the folks at the Pioneer Tunnel Coal Mine have placed signs all along the roads between Pottsville and Centralia, serving as a beacon to those thirsty for coal knowledge.

Pioneer Tunnel features a quaint little gift shop where you can buy everything from a history of the Yuengling beer dynasty to lumps of dirty anthracite coal for the kids to play with. But the real attraction is their mine tour. For just $8 you can hop inside a mine car, ride 1800 feet into the side of a mountain, and have Tom-the-mine-tour-guide tell you all about the history of regional coal mining in his best central PA accent! Tom is no run-of-the-mill tour guide, either – he will wow you with his knowledge, tickle your funny bone with his wit (favorite joke: “Now that we’re here in the mine, grab a shovel and get to work!”), and befuddle you with riddles (He asked everyone on the tour, “Where are you from? [PAUSE for reply] Are you an Eagles fan?” I never figured out what answer he was looking for…).

A word to the prospective mine tour taker – mines are cold, even in summer. Fortunately, Pioneer Tunnel makes the comfort of their guests priority #1 and offers a wide assortment of loaner jackets for the under-dressed traveler! The pleather number I chose even came complete with a snack – there were handfuls of cookie crumbs in BOTH pockets! Was I lucky or what??? Paulette “Bend and Snap” Bonafonté, our trusty photographer, looked particularly stunning in the velveteen corduroy smoking jacket that he selected.

TV Premiere Week - Kitchen Confidential

Loosely based on the book by celebrity chef/author Anthony Bourdain, "Kitchen Confidential," a new show on Fox Monday night, chronicles a brash NYC chef who is tasked with opening a new restaurant in 48 hours. While the show overuses somewhat superfluous sex scenes as an integral part of the seedy restaurant business, I'm hypnotized by the dreamy sky blue eyes of star Bradley Cooper (who I first saw on a cheezy made-for-tv-movie on the ABC Family Channel with Jason Priestley). Like Eminem in "8 Mile," I can't take my eyes off the tantilizing star. I hope directors Fred Savage and Darren Star (of 90210 and "Sex and the City" fame) give Harold of "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" a bigger role un upcoming episodes. Regardless, its good enough to tune in next week.

*Station Interruption* for Pirate Day

We currently interrupt the regularly scheduled program to inform everyone it is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day," an important holiday formed back in 1995 according to Wikipedia. To celebrate this important holiday, I think everyone needs a pirate name. This holiday is almost as fun as Festivus!

Bruiser and Elle's Excellent Adventure - Take 1

In the first of a series this week, Bruiser and I headed out to the hinterlands this past weekend for fun, beer and views of destruction. This photo was snapped in Centralia, Pennsylanvia, site of a 43 year-old mine fire that was simmering beneath our feet. You'll see here that we are standing over where old Rt 61 literally split due to the extreme heat of the mine fire. Central, located in the heart of PA's anthracite coal country, was once a thriving town. Now, only about 10 families remain, due to the long-burning fire. For more information about the almost non-existent town of Centralia, pop over here.

Return on our investment (or "In which we finally get to play with the CIA's old toys")

So, am I alone in getting a huge kick out of all the satellite images now offered by our favorite internet map sites? I mean, who knew Dick Cheney's house looks like a big blob when viewed from above (maybe they used a little too much TNT when they were building those post-9/11 bunkers)?

But I have to say that Amazon's A9 Maps goes a little too far in its offering street level photos. Being able to see rooftops and cars and such is one thing, but A9 offers candid stills of poor schmucks unlucky enough to have been caught in the sights of Jeff Bezos' cameraman. To see what I'm talking about, check out this shot of a few diners at Geno's one afternoon.

This is Annoying

While channel surfing, I flipped into the new Tyra Banks talk show. It only took me about half a second to realize that "Tyra" is the worst talk show to hit the airwaves since "Gabrielle" (and I think we all remember "Gabrielle"). Tyra was especially idiotic this morning as she was hosting a show on girls with body image problems. Yes, a successful, beautiful supermodel was trying to counsel average young women about their body image problems. Does anyone else see something disturbing about that? I finally had to flip off the TV when Tyra pinched her "imperfect belly" to show how she had fat too. It really was too much. I think I'm gonna go eat a donut.

Bag Lady Chic Just Ain't Cool

I don't care about the millions of young men who anxiously awaited the Olsen twins' 18th birthday. Apparently that fateful day inaugurated their tranformation from cutesy teeney bopper to bag lady chic. Ick.

The Freakiest College Around

As I was was driving around Loudon County, Virginia over the weekend I remembered an eerie article I read a few months back about a newish college out in VA that "trains" Christian boys and girls to be politicians. Obviously, I fear additional wacko right wing nuts entering America's political system, but I get nightmares when I envision these kids dressed in their southern frat boy/sorority girl outfits (diagonal wide striped ties, navy blue blazers, Duckhead khakis and women in perfect strands of pearls and ballet flats) wandering around my hometown. I saw this creepy college from my convertible and immediately felt icky, but I did feel a little glee when I realized the campus was really ugly.

Just to tease you, here are a few tidbits from this tantalizing tale of the dark side:

• During class hours, the college enforces a “business casual” dress code designed to prepare the students for office life
• About 85% come from home schooling
• Two of the kids profiled wanted their first kiss to be at their wedding.
• One kid sent out a nine-page e-mail to the entire student body before the spring formal reminding the girls to dress modestly.
  

A Brief Word of Seriousness

I'm not one to be Ms. Serious, but the hurricane situation has me mesmerized and feeling very fortunate in this world. But, it makes this story about what people had studied about New Orleans all the more intriguing (thanks to Mr. F for sending). Note the menu at the top that shows this story is from October 2004.

Magic Bullet - Another Ridiculous Product?

Continuing the idea of the previous post regarding the crap Americans purchase, I'd like to play homage to the Magic Bullet. The infomercial wows its studio panel with individual margaritas and insta-salsa. While I always giggled at the infomercial on Saturday mornings, I never dreamed I would be a somewhat co-owner of this item until my lovely boyfriend/co-homeowner was given one for his 29th birthday.

It sat in the box several days while we decided whether to keep it or not. But finally, we broke into the juicer portion of the bullet. Yes, I was a naysayer about the potential magic that the bullet could perform, but I was wrong. The little bullet really delivers! It juiced us some tasty peach-apple juice. It zizzed some groovy gazpacho. What will be next? A cereal smoothie? A frozen beer blend? Frankly, the Magic Bullet is just as amazing as the Turbo Cooker!

Let's go shopping...for crap!

I need to write God a thank you note, 'cos He delivered a little piece of heaven into my mailbox the other day. That's right...I'm talking about the latest Harriet Carter catalog!!!

So much to choose from! Should I get the Hide-A-Pipe Stump, the Color-Changing Lighthouse, or the Eggstractor???

And best of all -- this is a suburban Philadelphia company. Pennsylvania pride, baby!

Kooky Countries

I just found this article just downright bizarre. How do leaders, or anyone, become this strange? The naming months of the calendar after family members really brings me a few giggles. I guess Turkmenistan will have to be crossed off my possible future vacation spots list.

Craiglist: A Plethora of Fabulousness

Craigslist postings constantly amuse me. Here are two goodies found today by Lloyd61. Thanks, Hoochie.
POSTS: A Really Lame Life and Porntastic. Both are just so bizarre.

I Miss Mix Tapes/CDs

It seems the wonderous invention of the iPod has thrown the idea of mix tapes or cds onto the shelves of the past. Every scroll of the wheel comes a mix of old and new favorites when you are porting around Steve Jobs' piece of genius.

Here is a nice little story about the deep contributions of mixes. They really are the stories of our lives.

Mini Review: The New Willy Wonka

Two chocolate bars up to the new Willy Wonka movie. I caught the vibrant, colorful and amusing movie last evening with a bunch of four to seven year olds (it wan an early movie). I'm not sure what was funnier: Johnny Depp's giddy performance or the little kids giggling at the movie.

The movie was darker than the original, fortunately losing some of the sappy sentimentality that Gene Wilder and the script brought to the original. However, it did have a slighty sweet subplot of Willy Wonka being the tortured child of an evil dentist, also serving as a reference to another creepy Depp character, Edward Scissorhands (he too was wacky due to his parents). This was a nice tongue-in-cheek nod to the pop psychology permeating our world.

The kids in the movie had a cool cartoon-like appearance, and were pleasantly updated for 2005, but were somewhat under-directed. I would have liked a little more sassiness or silliness from their characters. Group dance numbers were performed by an odd-looking single Oompa Loompa computer-multipled to many. Thankfully, there were new songs to sing (aren't we all tired of the old song?). But really, this was a movie focused on one man: Johnny Depp. I'm not normally a Depp fan, but I found myself laughing at his well-written, and well-delivered one-liners and wanting more.

Everything is funnier out of context

In the spirit of my co-blogger's recommendation that we all recall the mirth of the Vent Line, I stumbled across another gem of a website that a friend had introduced me to a little over a year ago. The Found Magazine website features images of photos, notes, and other random crap that people have just found lying around this wacky world of ours.

I must say that I let loose a particularly hearty chortle over the 08 May 2005 "Find of the Week".

Virginia is for Apple lovers

Seems residents of the Old Dominion know a good deal when they see one. I'm not sure I'd pee on myself for a cheap 4-year-old iBook, but you gotta admire that kind of determination. Or not.

Are YOU Ready for the Next AI Auditions?

Help is here for the thousands (and I know who you are) who plan on auditioning for America's favorite TV show, "American Idol." I'm sure this book will help you make it straight to Randy, Simon and Paula. And if not, I'm guessing there are several other "services" that will show you how to make it big on Idol, with three easy payments of $49.95. Thanks to a loyal reader for sharing this important piece of information. And, if you make it big and get to meet Constantine, please give me some love.

He Only Wished He Was a Showgirl

I stood in stunned silence on Tuesday night when I caught a glimpse of ESPN's newest star. Everyone's second favorite "Saved by the Bell" star, Mario Lopez (second after Elizabeth Berkley, of course), is now the co-anchor of "ESPN-Hollywood." I'll try not to commet on a sports network having their own version of "Access Hollywood."

August in Washington

It's August in Washington, and that means everyone has left town, traffic barely exists, and people exchange real thought for daydreams. It's a glorious time really, except for the annoying heat. Perhaps it's in the same in NYC, from where my co-blogger has escaped. I'm confident that he'll have crazy tales to share about his time on our friendly west coast when he returns. So, as you can tell, this all really means I'm bored at the moment, so I'm adding the very first photos to the blog! Whooo!

What could be better than a photo and news about my fave Idol? In fact, just today, a new album came out today with a song by Constantine. This Queen tribute album has his version of "Bohemian Rhapsody." Hopefully, it will tie me over until he has his own album come out one day (and not the crap he does with his oddly-named band).

Germans: They Really Do Make Neat Stuff

A sassy and silly reader of this blog sent along this link yesterday -- thanks Lloyd61. The Germans are very inventive people. First the uber fun-driving Volkswagon (particularly the extra-fun, sportiest, most affordable convertible on the market -- the Cabrio -- may they resurrect it again one day), and now this important contribution to the world.

Besides being a little icky, this item really is public service, entertainment, and political activism rolled up into one. It warns people not to step into excrement, is generally funny, and it involves people in the political process. Only the Germans could have engineered something so intricate.

Flashing Lights and Gelato

Besides our Canadian friends' funny way of talking (Mazda is pronounced with a flat "a"), our Canadian friends are very obsessed with blinking green traffic lights and gelato. Every other block (meaning the blocks without Starbucks), you'll see gelato stores here in Vancouver. Who knew these people were so obsessed with the Italian ice cream -- there really is no logical explanation. Perhaps I'll survey people on the street today.

Monumental Posting

Not only is this my first post on my brand new Apple iBook (the best little computer out there), but this is also the first international post! Yes, I'm in our friendly neighbor nation to the north, Canada. It's like the U.S. but a little different. For instance, similar to the U.S., Canada often has two Starbucks situated diagonally across from each other on the same street corner. In terms of differences, we heard few gunshots while walking down the street, the temperature is much nicer than D.C., and they have killer cupcake shops. Yes people, the highlight of my day was visiting my version of Mecca....the dreamiest cupcake shop on eath -- Cupcakes (yeah, I know, the Canadians think of some creative names).

More to come tomorrow during my adventures in the great white north...

Ahh, the Vent Line

A favorite piece of West Virginia has been neglected by my co-blogger and myself. We have forgetten to share with you a special snippet of culture from the hills of WV's state capitol. So, without further adieu, this West Virginian blogger presents....

The Vent Line in the Charleston, WV Daily Mail newspaper! This wonderful, afternoon paper gives anyone the chance to call into their "vent line" and say something, and then it gets printed in the newspaper. You get such fine comments like "You people with your scooters, get off the highway."

The vent line was popular in a certain senator's office back in the 90s. A favorite coworker sat at his desk and howled at the funny tidbits his fellow WVians would leave on the vent line. None of us in the office could ever make up anecdotes as funny as the real thoughts expressed by common folks in WV.

Frankly, everyone should bookmark this link. It will provide you minutes and minutes and humor everyday.

Bad credit!

This is awful. Probably enough to turn America back into a cash economy. Scary stuff, man...

Moving Bathrooms

A very funny pal of mine found this extremely entertaining link today that needs to be shared. I literally sat at my desk and HOWLED while reading this fine piece of prose that details the horrors of sitting across from the bathroom on an airplane. This reminded me of a recent conversation with my co-blogger about his painful ride near the bathroom on the Chinatown bus. I know he will pick a better seat next time ;)

So, thank you "goddess" for bringing this to my attention.

Sweet synergy!!!

Too poor to legally pay for songs online? Too afraid of the wrath of Lars Ulrich to steal music from some dodgy Napster imitation? Well here's a free and fun way to fill that iPod of yours with something more wholesome than audio porn!

Thanks to a brilliant collaboration between my favorite central Pennsylvania chocolate company and our current American Idol, free MP3 downloads of Kerry "Rising Country Star" Underwood renditions of candy jingles are now available on the Hershey's website. Genius!

Just think - if Bo had tried just a little harder, he could have become a candy hustler. Poor schmuck...

If only Branson were a little closer...

Do you love Sunday afternoon TV broadcasts of lumberjack competitions as much as I do? Do you also wish someone would cook you a delicious steak to enjoy as you watch all that tree-rific sportsmanship unfold?

Seems someone in Branson, MO (where else?) has answered our prayers! I present to you -- the Tall Timber Lumberjack Show (and dinner theater).

I'm not terribly familiar with the geography of Branson, but I bet this is within driving distance of the Precious Moments Inspiration Park and Yakov Smirnoff Theater. And all just a 2+ hour drive from a personal favorite vacation spot of mine -- Ft. Leonard Wood.

It was only a matter of time...

Is that an iPod mini in your pocket, or are you just listening to a dirty podcast?

Newsweek has done America the favor of letting the rest of us know that there are now smutty, adult-content podcasts floating around out there. The iTunes Music Store even seems to provide convenient links to a number of the shows mentioned in this article. But fear not -- our kids are safe from mistakenly downloading such filth as they are clearly marked as featuring "EXPLICIT" content.

What a country!

I Love Jon Stewart

Yes, I know its silly, but I love Jon Stewart. He's witty, intelligent, funny and handsome. I'm going to go out on a limb and call him America's perfect man. Anyway, while I love his show, I don't dig the show's new set which is missing the blue Jerry Seinfeld couch (like the one Poppy peed on).

While you ponder urine on blue couches, you might find this link about The Daily Show's missing couch amusing. People really have too much time on their hands and need mental help.

The End is Near

Forget Supreme Court nominations (we knew the nomination would be a lame, boring white man anyways), my favorite news anchor of all time, Bill Hemmer, is jumping to the "we-really-don't-do-news-we-do-conservative commentary-yet-don't-admit-it" network according to today's WashPo. This is extremely sad news, and from this point on, Mr. Hemmer is on my banned list.

Bill, how could you do this to yourself, and to me? You are worse than a typical media whore now! So, its off to find me a new cable news love. I'm taking suggestions. Feel free to post them.

Roe v. Wade is the least of our problems...

Y'all might want to refrain from super-sizing from now on.

So I just did my "PowerPoint-deep" background check on our Supreme Court nominee, and I'm already scared! It turns out that, during his short tenure as a judge on the DC circuit, the newly announced Supreme Court associate justice nominee, John Roberts, voted to uphold the arrest and detention of that girl who got plexi-cuffed at the Tenleytown Metro for eating a french fry. It's true! For those unfamiliar with this news of the absurd, here's a passable primer I've found on the episode.

So I guess we know how the McDonalds lobby will swing on this one.

Do they stop passing out communion wine in the 4th quarter?

Holy nosebleed pew, Bibleman! I found this story about Lakewood Church in today's NYT and was floored. Apparently they held their first service on Sunday in their new digs -- the former arena that once hosted the Houston Rockets (capacity 16,000). Do you think they now hang banners with the jersey numbers of the twelve apostles where once hung the retired numbers of old hoops stars?

Don't get me wrong...I am totally open to converting existing secular structures into houses of worship. A house around the corner from my childhood home was turned into a Buddhist temple a few years back, and I hear the services they hold in Union Station AMC movie theater are a lot of fun. But when you turn a stadium into a church, how do you decide who gets to sit in the luxury boxes?

Public Access: An Untapped Resource

I watch very little public access TV, but I'm so glad I did last evening since I caught the weekly edition of "Inside the Squared Circle." I hadn't seen this show in a while, and had forgotten the minutes and minutes of amusement it brings me on a late Sunday evening. (For Monkey County readers, check out channel 19 at 10:30pm on Sundays. It's also on DC and Arlington cable, but I don't know when). You may notice a similarity between that show, and this blog's name -- and if so, you're right. This blog was inspired by this fine show and the joy it brings to all.

Where else would you see a show that joins a man wearing an uber-skimpy tank top who calls himself "Massive Mike" sitting next to "Will the Worm," a man who suspiciously looks like an accountant from the 80s decked out in a tie and suspenders. And let us not forget "The Critic" who always has his fishbowl of "generic insults" waiting for callers that he does not like.

This show debates and discusses the latest in wrestling news, sprinkled with a bit of commentary about the DC area. It's not only a wrestling resource (How else would I know there is a new wrestling organization where the ring has 6 sides), but also a bit of hope that there is TV out there for everyone. I mean come on, this is breakthrough stuff.

We need to thank whomever allows this kind of programming to make our airwaves. Its this kind of TV that saves me from another horrid singing reality show (such as that show that searches for the next INXS lead singer -- its just pathetic), and gives me faith in TV's future.

Sidenote for my co-blogger: There was a commercial during the show last night that had Syrus from the "Real World" saying something. I just caught the end of it. And, the Dudley Boys and the Hardy Boys have been released from Vinny Mac's wrestling conglomeration.

IKEA Wants to be a Real Lifestyle Choice

Word on the grocery stores aisles is that IKEA plans to enter into the food business. See link: http://www.foodnavigator.com/news/ng.asp?n=61218&m=1FNE711&c=yphrssodvlsvebw

Will this food be hard actually eat and come with minimal cooking instructions using no words? Will their Swedish treats be cheaply made of wood-like products? Perhaps only time will tell. However, if ther new line of food is as good as their frozen yogurt cones, we'll be in business. These wonderfully creamy non-fat cones are seriously the bomb, and worth the whole $1 you spend on it. No joke.

War of the Worlds is Dumb

So, I figured I'd give this Spielburg movie a whirl. I mean, Dawson likes him, shouldn't I?

Well, I didn't dig this flick, and it wasn't just because of Tom Cruise's snideness and annoying acting mannerisms. What drove me to the edge were the annoying "conveniences" that Spielburg intertwined into the plot:
-- For instance, a whole subdivision gets totally destroyed, including the house they are hiding in, but their mini-van still stands perfectly untouched? They were driving a mini-van, not a crappy Hummer.
-- And, because the almighty Tom Cruise is a brilliant master mechanic as a hobby, only his car, and no other car on earth, is drivable because he tells a mechanic what to fix to make it operational?
-- Even better, they drive for hundreds of miles and the mini-van still have gas? Come on people, the American-engineered Dodge Caravan isn't the Prius. The US automakers and oil conglomerates wouldn't allow such an earth-friendly vehicle to roam the earth.

Overall, unless you like aliens, or like to suspend your disbelief, this may not be a flick for you. Then again, I walked out of "Spiderman 2" so maybe you shouldn't be taking movie advice from me.

The movie did have one redeemable line...when Mr. Smarmy Scientologist informs his daughter that the world/country is under attack, she says in a naively honest voice "Is is the terrorists?". I couldn't help but giggle. Give that a little thought. It shows where we are as a nation, and how we look at the world of terror.

Live 8 coverage continued

And now for some analysis on the sights and sounds of Live 8, done “Big Bruiser Style”:

• Black Eyed Peas – Fergie looked hot on the jumbo-tron. But I think their set would have been much more poignant if they had done a cover of “Toy Soldiers” by fellow Kids Incorporated alum, Martika.
• Concession stands – I was a little surprised by how unprofessional many of the food stalls looked. There were a few trucks/carts, but a good number of people were just selling hot dogs and burgers right off a Weber grill. The Inquirer ran a story saying that Mayor John Street’s brother managed to get a large portion of the rights to the stalls reserved for minorities. Ahhh, Philly…
• Destiny’s Child – Could Beyonce’s skirt have been any shorter? From where I stood she just looked like a pair of naked legs. Wow! Too bad they had to perform that insipid “Girl” song. All I wanted to hear was “Bootylicious”.
• Def Leppard – Who invited these jokers? I mean, why not Warrant or Winger? Or Queensryche?
• Will Smith – Major props for the local boy and his mute pal, DJ Jazzy Jeff. They’re really the Penn & Teller of bubblegum rap. I could have gone home satisfied after they coaxed the crowd to sing along to the theme song to “Fresh Prince from Bell Air”. If only Alfonso Riberto had been there to break into a Carlton dance…then life would be good. On my way back to the subway, I bumped into a woman who had written “Big Willie Style” on her arm with a Sharpie. Oh my!!!
• Toby Keith – Most of us went for water ice during this set.
• Angry lady – As I was walking toward my viewing spot of choice, I was yelled at by a nasty lady who barked at me (and others) for blocking her view. Hey lady, from 19th Street you ain’t gonna see nuttin’ anyway, so get off my case and have another Tasykake. Jeez…
• Linkin Park/Jay-Z – I thought there might be a riot when these Linkin Park clowns went into their 4th song. We were promised a collaboration with H-O-V-A, but I couldn’t help but wonder if a 4th song for a so-so band might mean that that the CEO of Rockawhatever might not show. But my concern was for naught. Out came Jigga, and the crowd went wild. Big pimp this, G8 politician dudes!
• Kanye West – Pretty darn good. This is the first time I shook my groove thing to a religion-themed rap since Hammer told me to “Pray” so I could make it today.
• MTV coverage – From my perch on the Parkway, I was way out of earshot of the probing interviews and insightful commentary of VJs like Sway and John Norris. I guess I'll never figure out what this concert was all about.

So there it is. Live 8. They could have raised money, but instead they raised awareness. For a few hours anyway…

Live 8 coverage teaser

Just back from MotownPhilly -- what a town! And did they ever do it up for awareness on Saturday. Although I doubt most of the million+ crowd even knows how many countries are in the G8, they do love them some Jay-Z. Do they ever!

Detailed analysis to come tomorrow...

Caught in the 80s...Again!

Sure, I'd like to sit here and talk about the important issues of our day...the first woman on the Supreme Court retiring today, George W lying AGAIN in his speech the otherday that 9/11 and Iraq are linked, a good ole WV girl marrying Ben Affleck...

But really, I just wanted to offer brief comments on a fine tv program I caught last night -- "Hit Me Baby One More Time." I'm almost embarrassed to say that I hadn't caught this show earlier in the season, as this is something right up my alley. Anyway, this was a fun show that really did throw me back to my leg warmers and jelly bracelets. I felt like I was watching a slightly updated version of "Solid Gold." There were the 80s-influenced graphics, the British host who had little to say, and crappy pop music as the cheesy topping. However, it should be noted that washed up 80s pop wonders are not better singers 20 years later.

Rainbows! I like rainbows. Like the Ones That...

Apparently having a rainbow draped upon oneself is more than just a sign of gay pride nowadays. It seems that teenage boys are getting the "pleasure" of being "rainbowed" at parties around the country.

Don't know what I'm talking about? I think the NYTimes says it best:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/30/
fashion/thursdaystyles/30rainbow.html?8dpc (cut and paste this link)

Although I don't have any first-hand experience with these parties (I am unfortunately over the age of 18), I don't think its too far-fetched to think that these are just a figment of the right-wing's imagination, and this doesn't really happen. They probably just want to stomp out all kinds of rainbows. The right-wing certainly likes to stomp out everything else...

Return to Our Youth

Blogging from down here by the Gallery Mall in one of my favorite cities, Philadelphia, I can't help but have Live 8 on my mind (well, that and cheesesteaks, of course). The City of Brotherly Love (yes, Philly gives you love, but in its own special way) is hosting the U.S. concert of Live 8 in the coming days. While I'm pleased Philly gets to be center stage, I keep trying to think back to the original Live Aid. I remember as a youngster I sat at home and watched my MTV, anxiously awaiting either the performance of Wham!/George Michael. Boy I loved them...

While my memory is a little fuzzy about the details of the performances, I feel like Live Aid was a big deal for the world, and for my own personal viewing, back in the 80s. It just makes me wonder if the 12 year olds out there also anxiously anticipating sitting at home all Saturday watching their Live 8 on MTV and VH1?

Regardless, there is a pretty kickass line-up this time around. Check some details: http://www.live8live.com/theconcerts/index.shtml
http://www.billboard.com/bb/daily/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000969197
Besides the most hideous, annoying, evil Josh Groban, it seems like a good gig. I can only wish I was in London to catch Robbie Williams. Or really, wouldn't it be cool to see a concert from red Square in Moscow?

Too bad I'd have to share the concert with one million of my closest friends out on the Parkway in Philly. I think I'll just tune in on MTV. But good luck to Mo-town Philly for a successful event without too many arrests, beatings or other bizarre things that happen 'round here.

A cry for help?

Since wasting an hour of my life last night watching the "Runaway Bride" interview on NBC, I have become hyper-sensitive to "cries for help". The last thing I want is to wind up on a Greyhound bus in Albuquerque...unless, of course, it is a Chinatown bus and I have a seat at the front.

That said, I think I must need professional help. Why? Because I just laughed riotously loud at a sight gag on the CBS sitcom "Yes, Dear". It is bad enough that I was watching that insipid program, but to actually find it entertaining? That is a true cry for help.

Name Your Fave Movie Line

So the American Film Institute today released their top 100 movie lines. See the list here: http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050622/ap_on_en_mo/film_movie_quotes_list_1

Some are good, some are dumb. I’ll let you decide if you like their choices, but in the meantime, here are a few off the top of my head that should have been included. I could have included more from “When Harry Met Sally” but I’m trying to spread the wealth (or trying not to look like I’ve memorized the movie).

“I love the smell of commerce in the morning.” – Mallrats

“Sally, please report to me.” – When Harry Met Sally

“What I’m saying is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” -- When Harry Met Sally

“You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance.” – When Harry Met Sally

“I’m Andrew Shepherd and I am the president.” – The American President

“She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but otherwise, she's not completely unfortunate looking.” – Legally Blonde

“Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?” – The Breakfast Club

Rachael Ray is a liar

30-minute meals? Bah! Urged by my blog-sista to give cooking at home a try, I procured "30-Minute Meals 2" from my local Barnes and Noble. But my first attempt at "Chicken Divan" last night took me 45 minutes! Add to that the cleanup time required, and I was up to near 1 hour.

Why, RR? I let you into my living room at least 2 hours a week, and then, when I finally build up the courage to fire up my stove, I learn it is all a sham? I'm crushed.

Doritos: Not Just for Nice People

Just when ya thought that you and Saddam have nothing in common (well, maybe besides general dislike of George W...), the world throws you a seasony, triangle-shaped chip.

Apparently, Saddam's prison guards recently shared wtih GQ that he has a massive Doritos-eating habit. Check this out: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8288955/

While I don't understand his evil mass killings or torture of innocent people, I do fully understand his love of the world's best chip. The nacho seasoning, the powdery orange fingers, and the easily-detectable Doritos breath are true testaments to the wonderfulness of this American snack food.

What Century Is This?

I know our illustrious capital city isn't the fashion mecca that my co-blogger's new hometown is, but really people, do grown men and women have to make "Let's Be Twins" dates to wear seersucker?

If you're confused, I direct you here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2005/06/17/PH2005061700389.html

Yes, that's a photo of several U.S. senators wearing seersucker for the annual "Let's Look Like its Birmingham in 1935 and Wear Seersucker Day." I'm guessing its some lame southern tradition going back to 1901 where senators really didn't have anything better way to entertain themselves than to dress up like dorks. The American public already thinks that our elected officials are dorks, but did they have to go this far?

And, I know what you're thinking...this is really worse than "Hawaiian Shirt Day."

Save Me from 90210 Reruns

As much as I love my DVR'ed 90210 reruns (I can't get enough of the sexy looks Dylan shoots at me through the screen), and as much as I look forward to watching the daily snips of "Seinfeld" and "The Daily Show," someone out there has to have something else for me to watch on TV (yes, TV should be capitalized because TV is really owed that much respect).

Yes, I understand that it is summer and I shouldn't expect much, but really, it is hot outside and I'm bored with what's on my boob tube.

So, listen up dear readers, I need your advice. Tell me what to watch on TV. But, before you tinkle your keys, please don't include any suggestions like CBS sitcoms, reruns of "Mash" or "Will and Grace," NASCAR events, stuff that involves TomKat, or anything on FoxNews. However, please do let me know of any hot, steamy selections on C-SPAN, shows about food and drink, and anything just plain bizarre.

Torture by Radio

It’s annoying enough that we have to be tortured by radio station playlists controlled by the supreme radio gods, Clear Channel and Infinity. But these horrid radio conglomerates torture us with the worst stuff on the market. There are a few key examples (although I’m sure there are hundreds more – please feel free to share those with us here, except any examples involving Britney Spears).

Example A: The new Backstreet Boys song.
I don’t even know the name of this song, and I really don’t want to know. I do know that it sucks. The song sounds like it was rejected by some lame country-pop artist and then passed along to the boy band for their comeback hit. I thought I never would have to see Kevin Richardson and his evil goatee, but no, I will now be haunted forever.

Example B: Will Smith’s song “Switch”

“Ooh la la la.” Yes, that’s a real line from this fine song that sounds like it was dug up from 1988. The song sounds like he’s trying to start a new rap-line dance craze, and if it is, he should be ashamed of himself. Why is Mr. Smith trying to continue his rap career with rehashed renditions of cheesey rap? Rap has come a long way since “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Will Smith needs to stick with movies, rather than producing songs that sound like rap for over-40 year old parents or “Romper Room.”

Bill, I’ll Miss You

From my earliest days in the press office of a certain senator, I sat at my desk everyday glued to CNN and my favorite television news reporter, Bill Hemmer. So, it comes with much sadness that CNN announced his departure today, “Bill Hemmer has decided to pursue opportunities elsewhere, and we wish him the best. Bill is a highly respected colleague and I know that everyone who worked with Bill over the years will miss him.”

I can’t count the days I strode in late to work and caught the last half hour of CNN Morning with Bill and Daryn (Kagan). A certain coworker and I were always happy to hear there was a hurricane brewing, since Bill would likely be there to cover the disaster. He always looked his best when wet in the midst of heavy rain and wind, outfitted in a windbreaker and glasses (he didn’t wear glasses in the studio). Bill was also there for some dark days in my life -- when he was posted in Florida for the recount, and even when evildoers were attempting a ridiculous task of impeaching a president. Yet, the days of evil Republicans were always happier when I could gaze at Bill.

So Bill, I bid you adieu. I hope exciting new opportunities come your way. And if you end up on Fox News, there will be hell to be paid.

Dance Fever

I’m the first person to profess love for ballroom dancing, however, network television’s aim to make it mainstream has seriously gone awry. Just as important, I’m also the first person to dig a little cheese on television, but really, I’ll keep my cheese limited to teen dramas and the only talent show worth watching.

So, for “research” purposes, I tuned in to ABC’s new show that couples D-rate celebrities with seemingly equal D-rate ballroom dancers to waltz-offs and cha-cha-offs. Joining in on the fun are the pseudo-snooty dancing judges and America dialing in to vote on their favorite.

My question is: how many call-in votes could a ridiculous show like this actually get? In typical fashion, American is stupider than I can ever imagine, since “Dancing with the Stars” was the most watched program Wednesday night. I’m guessing it was the handsome blue-eyed Joey McIntyre that brought in the voters, rather than some annoying chick from “General Hospital” or Mr. Peterman from “Seinfeld” (although he seemed moderately dashing as he was gliding around the dance floor).

Perhaps networks should remember back to simpler times with some good cheese-sleaze dancing on Dance Fever every Saturday afternoons. That Adrian Zmed really was a hot number.

My new favorite show...

...is "Beauty and the Geek" -- brought to you by the fine folks at the WB (former home of a show - Dawson's Creek - that would have shaped my blog-sista's adolescence had it been aired just a decade sooner).

If anyone else saw this hideously wonderful monstrosity (what else would you expect from an Ashton Kutcher production?) and was puzzled by the stress/excitement-induced nosebleeds of "Chuck", do realize that his affliction is a quite common one -- in the world of Japanese manga, that is. For a primer, check out this: http://www.umich.edu/~anime/info_emotions.html

I can't believe I spend my free time on this crap. Sheesh. I need a real hobby.

Nothingness

Just like the lovely Living Colour song (look it up on iTunes if you've never heard it), it seems as if the world has moved into nothingness. No more "American Idol" (really, no more Constantine) to torture myself with every week, and hopefully soon, no more of Britney's horrid show "Chaotic" (it has to be cancelled already, doesn't it??).

So, perhaps I'll take a card from the lame Bush twins book and continue on in nothingness. It seems as if these fine gals have nothing to do with their time. Check this out: http://www.wonkette.com/politics/white-house/bush-twins-unemployment-index-may-edition-101814.php

What do they do in all their nothingness? Would they be like me and catch up on their DVR'ed 90210 reruns? Are they planning on being groupies for the nationwide "American Idol" tour? Or perhaps they didn't get turned down to perform for the new Live Aid, like the Spice Girls did.

Regardless, it seems that the twins follow their father in not caring about jobs and unemployment in this country (which, of course, is just one of the many issues their dad doesn't seem to care about, but that's a story for another time).

Carrie wins!!!

Ok...so Murph's post about shunning crap reality TV must have hit me at a particularly vulnerable moment in my life because i decided to BOYCOTT the big finale tonight (I watched a DVD and did dishes instead). I did tune in at 9:55 to catch the crowning of Carrie Underwood, who will now be blessed with all the magic celebrity that has blessed the post-Idol careers of Ruben (he starred in an episode of "Life on a Stick"!!!) and Fantasia (she had a Disney movie named after her!!!). May the drop of her new single succeed mightily!

One question though -- did I see Kenny G on stage at the end of the last song Bo sang on the show (and that he will ever sing in front of more people than can fit in a roadside karaoke saloon)? What was that about? For a moment I wondered if I had bought a bad case of PBR or something.

Has Everything Been Taken Over by the Red States?

Alongside my blogger co-host, and on the eve of the American Idol finale, I also need to comment on this important event. As a big fan, I look forward to watching the show every week (I mea really..is there anything else to watch on TV besides this and the Food Network?). While my deep love dwindled somewhat following the departure of my darling charismatic Constantine, I still have a special place in my heart for AI.

So, here we are left with two southerners...one from Oklahoma and one from Alabama. Is everything in America now driven by red states? We, unfortunately, have a red state president, but do we have to have a red state American Idol too? Sadly, it seems inevitable at this moment.

Are blue state people just not voting in ANYTHING anymore? Do blue state people just think they are above voting for anything all together? How much longer are the blue states going to stand aside and let the red states rule everything?

"Songs with titles that feature the same number of syllables as your first pet's name"...or something

OK...my sister-in-blogitude and I have hashed this one out before, but I thought I'd open it up to public discussion:

As tomorrow night is the last night our American Idols will be singing as if their lives depended on it, what do you think would be an apt theme for the songs of the evening?

"You Suck!"

So the other night I went to see Revenge of the Sith at a local cineplex. As soon as the lights went dark, someone in the capacity crowd shouted “You suck!!!” Now, as far as I know, the fellow who shouted it wasn’t directing this diatribe at anyone in particular, but seemed intent on eliciting a general reaction of laughter from his fellow audience members. And he succeeded – we all thought it was hilarious. But I couldn’t help but wonder why. What is so funny about anonymously yelling “You suck!” in a darkened theater – except that it IS funny?

Any thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon? Am I making too much of this? Is this a common occurrence (outside of at pro wrestling matches, where any number of things or people in the room do, indeed, suck)?

Strange gifts.

Seems as if I have a not-so-secret admirer. I get envelopes full of “unique” presents. These presents include: one steak-shaped dog treat, a mini yellow crocheted change purse, Aveeno lotion, lipstick in the shade of “raisin,” a sparkly stuffed snowman, a toy airplane, ribbons naming me “Affiliate Association President”, a PowerPuff girl pencil, travel alarm clock, a picture of a man and sunflowers, on teaspoon of snow from the Great Salt Lake, a tea bag, and two pieces of magnetic words.

Are these individual items supposed to have specific meaning? Or even more, put all together, do they symbolize something?

Regardless, thank you not-so-secret admirer!

A wise person (otherwise known as my co-blogger here) once commented: "Uhhh...I try to erase AI performances from my biological harddrive immediately upon the crownig of a new champ. Frees up the memory space for capacity to ponder things such as the direction of Britney's career..."

Such wise words...perhaps we should delve into that exact issue...how long will the craptastic UPN keep this show on? I've watched my share of crappy programs, and this one is the lowest of the low. At least Jessica Simpson's husband is HOT. K-Fed has NOTHING to offer the general public, except apparently very active sperm.

In about 20 years, we'll see some type of scandalous "Behind the Music" special on Britney....

Hello?

Where do we start? Well, I guess first is welcome. Welcome, many readers, to our new blog. Since my fellow blogger and I have extremely similar interests and thoughts yet are seperated by a few hundred miles, we thought we'd bring our charm and humor together in one space. Miles may be between us, but the wonderous world of the almighty Internet keeps us joined.

Anyway, our fair readers, feel free to read our fine commentary, comment back to us, and sip the drink of your choice while doing so.