All Hail the Nyfork!

Continuing my fascination with bizarre kitchen products (especially ones that are pimped on late night TV), I stumbled across the Nyfork today. Could this be the world's most perfect eating utensil? No longer do I have to remember to bring the knife AND fork to my table (coffee table that is -- America's favorite place to dine). I really hope to soon see the Nyfork's infomercial. I must learn how many different things this special utensil can cut, cuz I eat pizza with my own greasy fingers (no word on when they will get their own infomercial).

Everyone's Favorite Cousin

Do you remember Cousin Oliver? Well I certainly do, being the "Brady Bunch" junkie that I am. A certain significant other of mine wouldn't have a clue if I made a reference to Cousin Oliver in passing, but not all of us can be weened on TV. Still, I find making these bizarre TV references part of my life. Anyway, just thought I'd share a "blast from the past" interview with him from today's Post. Funny stuff.

I love the Internet. I love classic TV. And I love the Washington Post, the big city, national paper without feeling the need to act high and mighty.

On furries and wrestling...

OK, so I don't think these people technically qualify as furries/fursuiters, but they come pretty close...

This past weekend I decided to take in a bit of culture and caught a show by a little performance art troupe called Kaiju Big Battel (video). Basically it entails a bunch of adults dressed in Power Ranger-meets-Godzilla monster-esque costumes fighting in a pro wrestling ring, complete with elaborate back-stories and a punk rock soundtrack (the opening act was the "Japanese Action Comic Punk" band Peelander-Z -- catch them live at the old ECW Arena on 8/26!). Good guys! Bad guys! A Joey Styles-esqe commentator! Wacky props (the first match involved scaling a 12' paper mache Empire State Building)! Talk about sensory overload.

Even better was the sold-out crowd. Imagine a weird, overly-tatooed hybrid of the crowd of a Ramones show genetically-spliced with the attendees of a ComicCon. And add a few families for good measure. And a few furries (not part of the show, but fans who took it upon themselves to bring their own costumes).

A good time was had by all.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject of furries, Liane Hansen had a guest on Weekend Edtion Sunday this week who has done a little research in the furry phenomenon. Furry is the flavor of the week!

What will geeks think of next?

I found this on Google Video this evening, not knowing anything about the context. Seems the song is from Avenue Q and the images are from the "massively-multiplayer online role-playing game" (MMORPG, in geek-speak) World of Warcraft.

Pretty funny stuff. Hooray for witty dorks!

Microsoft top brass is sooooo declasse...

A little bird sent me this today, pointing out that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer had taken a page out of Howard Dean's playbook. I don't agree. It is more like Ballmer was trying to prove that he is indeed the whacked-out love child of Dean and CNBC loudmouth Jim Cramer. And if you thought that was bad, take a look at how much this man can sweat. Eeeewwwww!!!

Kids Love Millionaires!

Never in a million years would I have imagined that my multi-gazillionaire former employer would be signing a kid's head. But heck, I guess it is a lot more likely than him signing someone's ass. Perhaps the office "autopen" should be sent out to sign other body parts...or even better, perhaps an official "Jay Rock" tatoo needs to be created and sold!

The Whole World Loves Infomercials

Flipping through the satellite channels (grr...satellite bad...cable good) at a beachside Turkish hotel, I found the holy grail -- a Magic Bullet infomercial! While it has been renamed "Merlin" for European audiences, I was equally dazzled in Turkey (just as I was here at home) by the fruit smoothies the "bullet" whipped and the onions it chopped.

To even further heighten my brief TV viewing, the next channel I flipped to was a "find God" informercial. I know super Jesus people like to take their message to the world and all, but taking their message to a non-Christian oriented country? I wish them luck.

I would have opted for a Bob Schieffer theme, but...

This isn't new news, but it still makes me laugh so I thought I should share.

Apparently in these great United States there exists this cool little kid who insisted on a "Jim Lehrer News Hour" theme for his 3rd birthday party. This might make him an outcast among the pre-school crowd, but he's a hero in my book. And it'll be great fodder for his college application essay in about 15 years.

So Long TV Genius

Before it gets too late, I must pay homage to the recently departed Aaron Spelling. His dream of creating television dramas aimed at teens/twentysomethings certainly brought much joy to my life over the years. Although I enjoyed the antics of a wacky cruise ship crew, it wasn't until Brandon, Brenda, Dylan and Kelly graced my screen that I knew Spelling really spelled "genius."

Thank you, Aaron, for delighting me with the sagas of rich California kids for the last 14 years (yes, 90210 is still on - check out the SOAP network daily). And thank you, Aaron, for bringing a new era of trashy soap TV via "Melrose Place" for my generation. Without you, my hours of couch potatoing would have been full of just sitcoms.

Note: We will not comment about a certain lame "family-oriented" show on the WB that Mr. Spelling is also credited as producing. His legacy should really try to separate him from that piece of ultimate dullness.

Threesome Fun

Props go out to television network TV Land for their "Three's Company" marathon over the weekend. More than 48 hours of threesome fun definitely brightened my rainy days. I had forgotten how much I loved the antics of Mr. Furley and Larry. Although I watched this show in reruns as a youngster, viewing it as an adult brought about many questions, such as:

1. Why would two women in their 20's (if not their 30's) want to share a bedroom and sleep in a twin bed?
2. Did people really pretend in the years 1977 -1984 that women never had sex in their bedroom?
3. Did Janet go to college? (We know Jack was in the Navy and then went to cooking school.)
4. Can three people really share a bathroom ALL the time?
5. Why didn't the gang ever get drunk at the Regal Beagle? They always went, but there was no drunkenness.
6. How old was this gang really supposed to be? They seem older than 27.
7. Where was the TV? Their living room had no TV, and that seems sad.
8. Why didn't we ever see them go to the beach? They lived in southern Cali, but we only saw the gang in very few locations.

Elle Meets the Next President!

The South is a weird place -- and yes, Richmond is really the South. A few drinks after a friend's wedding turned into quite a political romp as my gang met up with suprise hotel guest, future presidential candidate Mark Warner. He was a very nice fellow decked out in jeans and a polo shirt. He gets my non-Hillary vote.

But our brush with Virginia political fame wasn't the most exciting event at the Jefferson Hotel on Saturday evening. The Virginia Republican Party was having their annual gala dinner at the same time Mark Warner's presidential support group was having a weekend meeting. Unfortunately, the historic hotel's rotunda area did not turn into a ECW wrestling arena with the Dems table-slamming and chair-bashing some old southern, drunk Republicans.

America's Secret Club

America's favorite TV show has a secret fan club. There are thousands of people who rush home every Tuesday night to watch "American Idol," yet their family, friends and coworkers have no idea what they are doing between 8 and 9pm. "I need to go do my laundry" and "I need to feed my goldfish" are some excuses that are floated around 7:55pm on Tuesdays. Haven't you noticed the people who dash away from the water cooler as soon as the Katharine's knee-humping is mentioned?

This secret fan club exists because I know them. I know they they hide amongst us. Yet, it isn't until after several drinks that their club membership is revealed when they opine about the gray-haired man shaking his moneymaker.

Why are people afraid to admit they like the cutting comments from Simon? Why do they hide the fact that they can't live without seeing Paula's nightly live TV insaity? Don't these people realize that there are few of us who can resist the utter cheese that brings America so much joy?

Next question for next time...Why are there "American Idol" haters out there? How can anyone hate something so simple and wholesome as a singing show?

Don't Mess With Burritos

This is where I draw the line. Obviously the US faces some serious immigration issues, but damnit, don't mess with burritos! Next to the quesadilla, the burrito may be the world's perfect food (quesadillas are a little better because they are primarily queso). The warm, thick flour tortilla is but a blank palate for an endless array of tasty latin flavors. America's flavor-challenged Anglo-Saxon background could never create such beautiful dish. Perfectly folded in the one of the world's best bread products, the burrito is worthy of saving for a future of well-fed Americans.

So, take away the taquitos. Eliminate the egg rolls. Stamp out schnitzel. Kick out the kim-chi. But please, battle for the wonderous burrito!

Smokin' Tinis

My co-blogger and I were both in America's most boring city, St. Louis, this month. While Bruiser hit up the International Bowling Hall of Fame, I sought the Arch city's most secret treat -- the smoking martini. A self-defined cocktail expert, I have not seen a lovely pink smoking pomegranate martini in my many cocktailing escapades around the country. So, while St. Louis may have little to offer in terms of unique culture (outside of bowling, of course), the town does have the only smoking martini I've ever seen. Thank you oh wonderous dry ice...and I hope other places take a cue and make our martinis a little more frisky. [Note to readers: The cocktail smoked more when I first got it. I was just slow on the photographing. Blame it on the 'tinis I guess.]

Language learning made fun!

Those 8:00 AM foreign language classes in college would have been much more fun if we used texts like the one described in this blog entry. I'm sure any Japanese who studied from this book would blend right in in "da hood".

So, thank you, Randall C. Miller, Jr. You are a valuable asset to the field of cross-cultural communication. And you wear that do-rag well.

Yay Tori!

As one of 90210's biggest fans, I must give a brief shout-out to the new Tori Spelling show "So NoTorious." Full of wacky pop culture references (including famous episodes of 90210), Tori Spelling takes direct aim on her own life and makes fun of herself and her family. It's legitimately sassy, giggle-worthy and fun, something most other TV shows should consider as important ingredients. And, Tori's hair and outfits are pretty normal and attractive, something that can't be said of Donna Martin.

But this show is more than laughs. "So NoTorious" not only redeems Tori Spelling from a Wikipedia entry noting that she is a washed-up actress, but also redeems VH1 from showing hours and hours of crap everyday. VH1 bores cable subscribers with celebrity gossip shows that have no gossip and additional seasons of the "Surreal Life," a show I'm convinced no one watches (and I know a lot of people who watch a lot of crap). Is there a more boring channel than VH1, other than TNT showing continous reruns of "Law and Order"?

Love and Hate at Wal-Mart

I have a love-hate relationship with Wal-Mart. I hate how they force retailers to package things how they want it, censor fine rap music, put small businesses in the toilet, treat their fine employees and lack high-end bottled water. On the other hand, a Wal-Mart Supercenter (especially the fine Supercenter in Martinsburg, WV where they even have seltzer - a rare find for Wal-Mart) is really the only place in America where there is everything that you need. Beer, prescription drugs, guns, somewhat trendy clothes made of crappy fabric in China, $2.50 DVDs, and all things camoflauge...its all under one roof.

I was reminded of my love-hate feelings this morning when I read a story of a guy who lives in a Wal-Mart for a few days. This real-life story is even better than the crappy Natalie Portman flick where she gives birth in a Wal-Mart (how that didn't ruin her career, I just don't know).

What's in a name?

For those of us who don't live on the Internet plotting ways to keep Chicken Little around a little longer on American Idol, I thought I should let you know about the latest craze.

"Snakes on a Plane" looks to be the multiplex hit of the summer. Even without a trailer or substantial official website yet, this movie has some serious buzz. So much buzz that NPR ran a story on it today. To really appreciate how sick people are for this otherwise probably crappy movie, take a look at this arguably obsessive fan site -- Snakes on a Blog.

Again, kudos to The Houseguests for having clued me into this pop culture phenom.

And if you have a lot of free time, watch Ultimate Showdown again to see (and finally understand why) Sam Jackson gets the smackdown by a few pythons during the second chorus.

My Target 'tis of thee...

Talk about shock and awe.

I was appalled to learn last week that President Bush’s former domestic policy advisor, Claude Allen, got busted in a sloppy attempt to defraud my very favorite Montgomery County, MD Target store. But according to WeeklyRadioAddress.com, there might be a valid explanation for Mr. Allen's seemingly anti-American behavior.

Last week’s episode was pretty damn funny, too.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...

If you have ~20 minutes to spare, Act One of this episode of This American Life is worth a listen. These kids sound like a lot of fun. But I feel sorry for the ducks...

Who needs cable, when entertainment like this is free...

This needs no commentary. Just watch it. And remember to turn on the subtitles.

Almost as funny as this.

Props go to The Houseguests for introducing me to these. And curse them for me now having both these tunes stuck in my head!

An gallon of deliciousness in every drop...

To commemorate a loyal ITSC member’s visit to the land of plastic food and dirty underwear vending machines, I’d like to introduce you all to a little site called Engrish.com. It will happy laugh fun time for your pleasure life. Clap clap.

Name This Car!

Naming cars is almost as popular as naming houseplants. Everyone is doing it, especially chicks. Since I'm not a big "car namer," my mom has always named my cars for me. In my younger years, I had Beluga (a lovely aqua-tinted Toyota MR2.I was the coolest chick in high school). Now, I pop around the city in Topper (a friendly blue VW Cabrio).

Anyway, I have a friend who takes the naming of her car very seriously. A car's name must show off its personality, sound pleasant and not be utterly ludicrous. It's essentially like naming a child. This same friend currently is pondering the name of her new-to-her, green VW Jetta. She has a few names in mind, but could use some inspiration. What says green Jetta to you? Hopefully, this picture will arouse you to dream up a fabulous name and then respond below.

Let the games begin!

Crunches with Condi

Or "Sweatin' with the Vulcan". Or "Gettin' Ripped with Rice". So many potential names for this piece...

According to Reuters, my least favorite NBC4 newscaster, Barbara Harrison, will shock the Washington metro area with some very important news this week -- the intricacies of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's workout regimen. Fire up those TiVos! Or not.

What next? Will Donald Rumsfeld co-host a movie review of "Syriana" with entertainment reporter extraordinaire Arch Campbell? Or maybe Alberto Gonzalez will guest host an edition of "It's Academic" with Mac McGarry. (Editor's note: I was shocked to find that there is a Wikipedia site for "It's Academic". People have too much free time.)

Curry and Rice

I submit the following for your viewing pleasure.

Biodata? Who writes this stuff? These guys, I guess.

Fair trade?

I ain't talkin' NAFTA, folks.

No, I'm referring to a recent deal between media conglomerates Walt Disney Co. and NBC Universal that sent "Monday Night Football" announcer Al Michaels packing to NBC in exchange for the rights to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Oswald the what? Exactly.

Oh, the indignity!

Washingtonians Talk Funny

I love Washingtonians (and former Washingtonians). I just asked my co-blogger what he's been up to since he's been quiet as of late, and this is his reponse: You know...the usual. Slacking off. Fighting the war on terror. Watching CSPAN. Memorizing the State of the Union. You wouldn't hear that response from just anyone. I'm very amused.

RPS - Not Just a Kids Game Anymore

Everyone's favorite kids game is sweeping bars across the nation -- Rock Paper Scissors. On Wednesday night at my favorite DC bar (The Rooster), I had the pleasure of competing in the newly formed USA Rock Paper Scissors League (USARPS). Open to the masses, and sponsored by my least favorite brand of water (Bud Light), slightly drunken people are encouraged to pull out their hands and go head-to-head with fellow barmates in hopes of winning a trip to the national tournament in my new favorite city (Las Vegas). While I only came in third, I was awarded a requisite rad RPS hat and watched fellow drinking pal Peter win the night. Next up: a trip across town to watch Peter compete to be the DC RPS winner. If he wins, off to Vegas and television fame he goes! Did I mention that A&E has signed on to telecast the USARPS League finals?

DDR and WV

I love West Virginia, not just because of the lovely mountains and availability of moonshine, but because the state has started a new program to tackle obesity in kids. As one of the "largest" states in America, the kids often have weight problems, likely stemming from never learning that "fried" doesn't mean "good for you." So, the state is reaching out to kids and instituting everyone's second fave video game, Dance Dance Revolution, as part of gym class in schools! Seriously. I'm not lying. Read the reports here and here. What's next? Karaoke Revolution becomes music class?

I knew this guy couldn't be trusted!

Never bet on a guy with big hair. As if it weren't bad enough that some dude had been defaming a Kennedy administration official on Wikipedia, it seems Adam Curry (yes, that old MTV VJ Adam Curry) got busted for tweaking the site's entry for "podcasting" to try and give himself more credit for its proliferation that he is actually due.

This is technically old news, but I thought I'd post something here to document STSS' displeasure at Mr. Curry's abuse of the Internets. Shame on you, Hair Boy!

Light Beer Inventor Has Left the Building

Christmas was a little less festive this year for light beer drinkers everywhere. Before the un-sober holidays, the inventor of light beer, Mr. Joe Owades, passed away. Some would say this man had a monumental contribution to society. I, on the other hand, would say that the words "beer" and "light" shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Thanks to drinking buddy Peter for bringing this important story to my attention, and for never drinking light beer.

Washington's Holiday Lights

Before the holiday season whips by us, I must share Washington’s most famous holiday light display. Nestled amongst multi-million dollar homes in a posh DC neighborhood, one can only imagine how their neighbors must enjoy the crowds that line the streets to witness this “interesting” display every evening. What you can’t see in the photo is a decorated backyard with Santa and his reindeer, a jack-in-the-box and trees representing prayers. My favorite part was watching as people pose inside the nativity scene for a photo with the bright background.

Time to Mourn the Dunkin Donuts Guy

I have been hyper-sensitive to the ever increasing presence of ol' standby Dunkin Donuts ever since they started building one near my childhood home (construction time -- approximately 18 months!) and since noting that the directions to the Yuengling brewery use the Pottsville branch as a landmark. So I was saddened to see that Fred the Baker (aka - "Time to make the donuts" guy) passed just a few days ago. Thanks for the memories...

Festivus isn't just for TBS anymore...

Inspired by my co-blogger's explaination of why the New York City transit strike ended so abruptly ("It's a Festivus miracle!"), I thought it appropriate to post this article about a Pennsylvania town that celebrates Frank Costanza's brain-child holiday.

And did you know that there is a company in Milwaukee that sells Festivus poles? If I had only known before December 23...

Licky Licky

In our continuing series of factory and other tourist attraction tours, I recently found myself at the Ben and Jerry's factory in Waterbury, Vermont. Fortunately I didn't go to Vermont just visit B&J's, as the tour was marginally lame AND they charged $3. B&J's isn't the ice cream wonderland you'd hope it to be. There is no "make your own sundae" bar, you can't roll around in large tubs of Cherry Garcia, and you don't get to pick your own ice cream flavor to sample. Visitors are only allowed to sample a tablespoon-size serving of the two flavors of the day.

Clearly, B&J's is not in the class of the Yuengling tour. I'll blame this on the corporatization of B&J's, as it was bought by the massive food/drug/toiletry conglomerate, Unilever, a few years ago. Next thing ya know, corporatization will lead B&J's to only make vanilla ice cream.

Pimp My Nutcracker

The Internet never ceases to amaze and amuse me. During this holiday season, the Internet has yet again delivered a special gem. I hope you can visit my favorite new web site, Pimp My Nutcracker. You too can design the nutcracker that has danced in your sugar plum dreams. Print out your nutcracker creation, and sneak it into a stocking for a truly special stocking stuffer.

Jesus at work...literally

Looking for a little religion during the holidays? Not sure if you’ll find it here, but it is pretty darn funny. Be sure to visit the site it is a spoof of as well. I’m not sure which site made me laugh more.

(NOTE: I think it is important to point out that my mother introduced me to this site…and just a few minutes before we left for church today.)

Mile High Club: Problematic on a Variety of Levels

Just when you thought joining the Mile High Club might be fun and entertaining (after you spent all those years dealing your feelings of potentially touching the grossness that exists in airplane bathrooms), there is a story that will cause you to rethink your future fun. This is a story of a couple who were heard in a fit of passion in the friendly skies, and were charged the fee of diverting their plane. So next time you get Mile High dreams, either be quiet or beware.

Sodas Sodas Everywhere

Quick poll: Do you ever try the new-flavored sodas that our fine, American soda companies introduce? Do you slurp down a bottle of AMP, yet another disgusting Red Bull knock-off brewed by Pepsi? What about Sprite ReMix? And I'm not going to even start on the Thanksgiving dinner sodas recently introduced by the small Jones Soda Company. Fizzy turkey and gravy in a bottle just doesn't sound appealing.

Anyway, I ask this important question because Coke today announced they would introduce a new soda called "Blak" next year. This will be a coffee infused beverage that I'm sure will be just about as popular as the wonderously famous Pepsi Kona (as my co-blogger so sagely pointed out today). I actually tried Pepsi Kona. As a coffee and cola lover, I was disappointed when the liquid touched my tongue. I have never tasted something so disgusting.

For me, the only newish soda that's worth drinking is part of a mix concocted at Baja Fresh: Mountain Dew Code Red (actually very tasty) with a few limes and a splash of Sierra Mist...tastes just like the Sonic Cherry Limeade at Sonic Drive-Ins (which tragically are no where near the northeast). And of course, my all-time favorite is the mystery cherry soda (only labeled "cherry" on the fountain sign) at Ishkabibbles in Philly. No one makes a cherry soda any better.

This guy has a lot to say

I really don’t know what to say about this. Except that this guy loves holidays. And America. And video games. And pro-wrestling. And sports. And his favorite properties on the Monopoly game board are Boardwalk and Park Place. And he does a mean write-up of his “adventure” playing Madden on the new X-Box.

WARNING: You might want to turn the volume down on your computer before visiting Mikey’s site.

A real American hero...and IM buddy of the son of God?

A little bird pointed me in the direction of Chuck Norris’ official website the other day. (No, this is not a joke) And what a site it is! Chock full of great photos and data to “inform and inspire Chuck Norris fans all over the world”.

Of particular interest:

• Chuck Mart – Still looking for a holiday gift for that special someone? How about a poster of Mr. Norris and the full text of “Chuck’s Code of Ethics”? (“I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”)
• “Christian Area” – I’m not sure what this has to do with Chuck, but the page features an email from none other than Jesus himself!!! I bet they have wicked fast broadband in heaven. It is just too bad they didn't share Christ's email address with us. I guess he doesn't want to receive any spam.
  

Turducken – Not Just Another Mystery Meat

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, we all must fondly reflect and consider the many things for which we’re thankful. This year I want to give thanks for an important part of American cuisine – the turducken. This often laughed at delicacy truly demonstrates American ingenuity. We should thank our inventive forefathers, be it in Cajun country or eastern Texas, for dreaming big and not stopping until each bird was securely stuffed. I’m sure many, many hours were spent toiling over the oven to perfect this wondrous creation. Melding the layers of turkey, duck, chicken and stuffing takes a gentle hand, hours of patience, and a strong stomach (as the above image looks a little “interesting”).

Let us also thank famed football announcer John Madden for sharing the once strange idea of several birds stuffed into each other. It was John who talked about this magical delight and gave the turducken its now famed recognition. I hope you take time to read this National Geographic tribute to the turducken, as you too will become thankful for the turducken. And the next time you have 12-16 hours to spare, perhaps you should say, “I’m going to make a turducken!”

Thank You, People

Few things brighten my day at work more than the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. The editors got it right this year by naming one of my faves, Matthew McConaughey, as the Sexiest Man Alive for 2005. Although he dates a bird girl, his ravishing good looks and sweet smile can make anyone a believer. The other sexy men included are goodies too: Patrick Dempsey (the second best guy in “Sweet Home Alabama”), Nick Lachey (yes, I’m really a teenage girl), Matt Damon (an oldie but goodie), Vince Vaughn (the brooding, bad boy, hot guy), Anderson Cooper (not as hot as Bill Hemmer, but he’s on FoxNews now, so he deserves nothing), and Clive Owen (see “Closer” and you will agree to this choice). Despite these skilled selections, People’s editors needs their collective heads examined if they really think the sleazy, over-smoked Dennis Leary and the frightening Ian McShane are anywhere close to sexy.

Finally, a political party for the rest of us

Tired of sissy, mealy-mouthed Democrats? Sick of rabid Bible-thumpin', poor-people-hatin', hypocritical Republicans? Well, brothers and sisters, I bring you good news...

I learned of the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party when voting in my local polling station here in my NYC 'hood last week. Now there's a platform I can really get behind! And they have a fun little theme song. And wacky party officers. And a fantastic web-site disclaimer! Huzzah!

Goodbye, Eddie

I may not have always liked the character he played, but I was disappointed to read this morning of the passing of WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero. He was a truly despicable wrestling "heel", and if anyone had to play the sterotypical role of "Latino Heat" he at least did it with gusto. Smackdown definitely won't be the same without you, Eddie. Thanks for the good times.

How the Rich Get Everything...Part One

Check out the latest story on WV girl Katie Lee Joel, yes, wife of the infamous Billy Joel. OK, so this girl may have slept on an air mattress in my small, un-fancy condo, and now she is rich, beautiful, famous and has a show about being a food expert. No, I'm not bitter at all. The best part of the story is when it discusses how she is an expert in food, noting that she has "worked in a few restaurants." My co-blogger put it best when he noted in an email: "I worked in a Roy Rogers. Does that make me a food expert?" I think that about sums it up.

VH1: Where One Washed Up Star Show Leads to Another

I’m not typically a voracious purveyor of VH1 programming, but this weekend Peter Brady coerced me to watch. Yes, you know, Christopher Knight, the washed-up, now over-40 former member of the Brady family. Since his pre-pubescent days on my favorite after-school rerun, he’s gotten buff and landed himself a hot model from my co-blogger’s favorite show, “America’s Next Top Model.” Of course, they didn’t meet on the street; these two met on yet another VH1 reality show where former stars go for a few more bucks, “The Surreal Life.” I must be getting old (or perhaps skanky, like his 22-year old “Top Model” babe) since I watched four episodes of the pleasant “My Fair Brady” soley because I found Peter to be charming and attractive. Perhaps Chris Knight isn’t so washed up afterall…

Anyway, things quickly went downhill after the conclusion of “My Fair Brady.” VH1’s tricky, cross-marketing efforts brought me to yet another show with washed up celebrities. “But Can They Sing” is the latest attempt by pseudo celebrities to grasp one more shot at fame thinking they are trying out for “American Idol.” I watched it primarily for glimpses of the still-hot Antonio Sabato Jr., but the show’s concept and singing participants are just ridiculous. Do you know Bai Ling or Michael Capon? Neither do I, but apparently they are celebrity-enough to get on this show. Sadly, this show was just so bad I wasn’t even amused at its lameness. Whatever you do, no matter how bored you are, do not watch this show. Back to 90210 reruns I go.

And to think I felt dirty after downloading the latest Kelly Clarkson single...

First there were porn podcasts. Now the new "video iPod" has made it possible for us all to enjoy video smut during our workouts, at the laundromat, or while waiting for the bus. Hooray for technology!

Royce's may offer choices, but Apple allows for porn portability!

Note: Special thanks to Fox News for making this important news available to America's families.

A Sticky, and Maybe Stinky, Situation

You always hear about toilet seat pranks in schools and dorms, but you don't hear much outside those realms...until now. Pop over here and you will read a cheeky story about a man who got stuck on a toilet seat at the Home Depot. It had me giggling for a few minutes. Best part was that his coworkers didn't believe he was stuck!

Special Plates Are Too Wiggy

This may truly be the most unique custom license plate in America....the "Square Dancer" plate, available to all you West Virginians out there. I thought Nascar plates, or a bowler plate (for real - this does exist), was funny, but nothing is quite as bizarre as this. Don't ya love the flowy skirt image? Next time I register a car in WV, I'm getting a fun plate like this.

Happy Halloween! But what to wear?!?

Inspired by Elle's post last week about folks selling Halloween costumes for iPods on the Internet, I decided to dress up my little friends for a little trick-or-treat action this holiday season. But I'm cheap, so we've opted to make homemade costumes over paying for those overpriced fancy-pants ensembles. Here is our first attempt -- Shuffie and Big Boy as Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

Do let me know if you have any other fun suggestions for the kids.

Not Neo-Olsens, But Real Neo-Nazis

No, these chicks aren't the Olsen twins' younger sisters. They are more like evil twins. For your daily piece of disturbing information, check out this article about two freaky 13 year olds who are singing about white supremacy. Brainwashed by their evil parents, they make records singing about how the white race needs protecting. I'm sure it won't surprise you that they are home schooled (I will not even go on a tirade about that today...). And I'm sure it won't surprise any of us when they turn to the dark side one day and become hoochies.

Anyway, this is just what pop music needs (note my sarcastic tone). If I ever hear these fools on the radio, I will immediately run out and buy an Ashlee Simpson album, because although she is annoying, she is not spreading hate.

Are Ipods the New Pet?

I'm the first to admit that my friendly Apple iBook G4 is my pet. I'm allergic to cats, dogs and probably bunnies, so my happy little reliable laptop will have to remain as my only pet. Well, its seems that other people think their iPod is a pet, as the latest craze in iPod accouterments are costumes. Yes, there is a new web site devoted to Halloween (and other holiday) costumes for iPods. Gadgets and silly stuff is all fun and games, but dressing an iPod is far worse than dressing a dog (which of course has its own ridiculous quality too). Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas present for someone who really has everything, maybe this is a site for you. And Bruiser, I know Shuffie woulda really liked to have been a pirate...

2006 Olympics Here We Come!

Bruiser and I are jazzed for the 2006 Olympic hockey tryouts. While Bruiser explored the U.S. curling circuit (for real!), he determined that a sport using a broom on ice just wasn't for him. And I just couldn't muster up enough fake emotions, or brightly colored sequined outfits, to continue any further on the ice dancing circuit. So, these "challenges" have brought us to the two-person team mini hockey competition. While we expect tough battles from the Kyrgykstan and Oman national teams, we believe our training and ample match play will be tough to beat.

Bork Didn't Bork Us

Last week, I had the "pleasure" of being wined and dined (or really, not wined enough) at National Review's 50th Anniversary party. Donning the requisite "Republican" pearls, and accompanied by a dashing Vivian Kensington, I was happy to gawk at many famous members of the dastardly party, including: the bombastic Rush Limbaugh, the psuedo-aristocratic William F. Buckley, the villainous Brett Bozell, George W's master of messed up words -- speechwriter Michael Gerson, Bob "Dr. Evil" Novak, and Sen. Joe Lieberman (who I'm sure turned over his Dem credentials as soon as the 2000 election was called to a halt).

What Republican church revival event would be complete without a "celebrity"? So, to make my night complete (since they clearly didn't tell the wait staff to pour guests enough wine), Vivian pleaded with me to get a picture alongside the infamously rejected Robert Bork. Poor guy seems to have aged without his scraggly goatee. I'm just sad that I wasn't intoxicated enough to get my own picture with an anti-celebrity.

Tony Danza Bonanza, indeed!

How’s this for a way to celebrate Columbus Day? As I was walking home from the dry cleaners yesterday I nearly tripped over Tony f’n Danza on my block! Ay oh, oh ay!

This is huge! I mean, this man wields such power that he has starred in at least 3 sitcoms as characters named “Tony” and helmed not one, but TWO shows titled “The Tony Danza Show”! (According to IMDB, he also served as executive producer for some TV movie called “Sudden Terror: The Hijacking of School Bus #17”, but I don’t remember that one.)

Why NYC chose Antonin Scalia and not Mr. Danza as their Italian-American rep to grand marshall the Columbus Day Parade, I’ll never understand.

To try to make up for this slight, I hereby dedicate today’s STSS post to Anthony Salvatore Iadanza. Thanks for making TV worth watching, Ton’!

Even Hobos Like National Parks

Ahh…I have returned from my busy travels in the American Southwest. There is much red rock, canyons and open spaces as you travel from Vegas to Utah to Arizona. It’s certainly a different world from the busy, tree-lined, coastal feel of the East Coast.

But people change when they wander away from home. I found Paulette Bonafonte taking up a hobo way of life at Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah. However, Paulette had to drink many, many beers out of a paper bag to pass out, as Utah beer can have no more than 4% alcohol. We determined that not only is 4% alcohol beer stupid, but it also tastes bad too. We deserve better from Orrin Hatch.

Multiple Wives Scare Me

I, Elle Woods, have been criss-crossing America's great Southwest during the past week, hitting places such as Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and Colorado City, Arizona. While I've missed blogging the past few days (Internet access hasn't swept the Southwest like it has in our nation's cities), I did get the pleasure of seeing my first polygamist community. YAY! It's quiet nature on a late Saturday morning and strangely sizeable houses led us (myself and traveling companion, Paulette Bonafonte) to become suspicious of what this town in the middle of nowhere was about. After a brief search upon our return to civiliation, we found that Colorado City, Arizona, is a famous polygamist community. I wish I had the chutzpah to knock on a random door and see a real-life polygamist family up close, but alas, I'm a wuss.

And don't worry, you'll get to hear (and maybe see) more Southwest adventures in upcoming days...

What's better than a $50 iBook?

This is a pretty good idea -- a $100 laptop to distribute to children in developing nations.

Just think. In a few years, school kids in Costa Rica will just have to crank their computer for 10 minutes to access the latest non-news on Save the Squared Stage!!!

Do I detect a new method to acheive international understanding and (eventually) world peace??? I think I speak on behalf of Elle when I say we here at STSS accept this responsibility with humble hearts.

Al Jazeera's New Spinmeister

This is classic. Seems the Marine captain made a superstar by the documentary Control Room is now an employee of Al Jazeera. Well, the upcoming English-language Al Jazeera International, anyway.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?

Print and audio coverage of this wackiness is just a click away.

You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried, kids...

Now that's dedication!

In response to Elle's challenge to make this blog multimedia, I offer y'all a link to a story about a girl in Moldova who loves that Harry Potter. So much so that she's transcribed the entirety of the latest book by hand because she couldn't afford to buy it. Guess she's never heard of a library card.

And if you don't like that, dig this. Or this. Kids these days are all freaks, I tell ya...

Homage to an Old Friend

The grand finale. The final in the three part series concludes with the true reason for the trip to coal country PA. While Bruiser truly captured the unique and humorous essence of our trip in his previous post, I hope this last part inspires you to grab a Yuengling.

A trip to the oldest brewery in America is not just another brewery tour – it’s a pilgrimage. For all who had the privledge of attending college in certain parts of Pennsylvania, your first Yuengling is almost a rite of passage. We didn’t embrace college life with disgusting cheap Rolling Rock or Schlitz. Instead, we were lucky that Yuengling Premium “pounders” (in returnable bottles and boxes) were cheap, and yards more tasty.

Bruiser, Paulette Bonafonte and myself grew to love Yuengling during our long days at the “Ford. Fortunately for us, leaving PA did not mean leaving Yuengling behind. The finest brewery in America has been on an upswing in the past few years, marketing their fine beers to other mid-Atlantic states. “Vitamin Y” (as I believe loyal reader “Murphy’s Lawyer” dubbed it) now surrounds us most places we turn. So thank you, Dick Yuengling, for thinking beyond the Keystone State (even though I hear you are a Republican).

But to get a full appreciation of the many brews we’ve drank over the years (but not too many, of course), we needed to see where it all began at the brewery in Pottsville, PA. The town is quaint, seemingly caught in 1955. Old churches, a quiet main street, and a brand new Dunkin Donuts greet those who visit the brewery at the top of the hill. The brewery is still the same red brick building from 176 year ago, housing caves below the surface and in the hill next door where beer was once stored. Visitors get to see it all – bottling, brewing, the old caves, and a mini museum with bottles and ads from the past (including a very odd ad campaign touting two Chinese men named “Ying” and “Ling”).

Our tour concluded with some free samples of beer, which tasted fresher than anything you get out of a keg at a bar. We didn’t get to pour our own brews, but felt just as fulfilled by standing behind the over 100 year old bar. A bit of pre-OSHA regulations history: Yuengling employees used to be able to drink at brewery bar during their workday. Now, wouldn’t that be the life?

Bruiser and Elle's Excellent Adventure -- Take 2

Thanks are due to Elle for so wittily describing our visit to Centralia. But it was a long day, with much more to talk about. Here's Part 2 of our premiere travel series:

On our way to the burning town of Centralia, we decided we would all benefit from a crash course on the wonders of anthracite coal and the impact it has had on the economy and social fabric of Pennsylvania. And what better place to learn about coal than in a coal mine! Fortunately, the folks at the Pioneer Tunnel Coal Mine have placed signs all along the roads between Pottsville and Centralia, serving as a beacon to those thirsty for coal knowledge.

Pioneer Tunnel features a quaint little gift shop where you can buy everything from a history of the Yuengling beer dynasty to lumps of dirty anthracite coal for the kids to play with. But the real attraction is their mine tour. For just $8 you can hop inside a mine car, ride 1800 feet into the side of a mountain, and have Tom-the-mine-tour-guide tell you all about the history of regional coal mining in his best central PA accent! Tom is no run-of-the-mill tour guide, either – he will wow you with his knowledge, tickle your funny bone with his wit (favorite joke: “Now that we’re here in the mine, grab a shovel and get to work!”), and befuddle you with riddles (He asked everyone on the tour, “Where are you from? [PAUSE for reply] Are you an Eagles fan?” I never figured out what answer he was looking for…).

A word to the prospective mine tour taker – mines are cold, even in summer. Fortunately, Pioneer Tunnel makes the comfort of their guests priority #1 and offers a wide assortment of loaner jackets for the under-dressed traveler! The pleather number I chose even came complete with a snack – there were handfuls of cookie crumbs in BOTH pockets! Was I lucky or what??? Paulette “Bend and Snap” Bonafonté, our trusty photographer, looked particularly stunning in the velveteen corduroy smoking jacket that he selected.

TV Premiere Week - Kitchen Confidential

Loosely based on the book by celebrity chef/author Anthony Bourdain, "Kitchen Confidential," a new show on Fox Monday night, chronicles a brash NYC chef who is tasked with opening a new restaurant in 48 hours. While the show overuses somewhat superfluous sex scenes as an integral part of the seedy restaurant business, I'm hypnotized by the dreamy sky blue eyes of star Bradley Cooper (who I first saw on a cheezy made-for-tv-movie on the ABC Family Channel with Jason Priestley). Like Eminem in "8 Mile," I can't take my eyes off the tantilizing star. I hope directors Fred Savage and Darren Star (of 90210 and "Sex and the City" fame) give Harold of "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" a bigger role un upcoming episodes. Regardless, its good enough to tune in next week.

*Station Interruption* for Pirate Day

We currently interrupt the regularly scheduled program to inform everyone it is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day," an important holiday formed back in 1995 according to Wikipedia. To celebrate this important holiday, I think everyone needs a pirate name. This holiday is almost as fun as Festivus!

Bruiser and Elle's Excellent Adventure - Take 1

In the first of a series this week, Bruiser and I headed out to the hinterlands this past weekend for fun, beer and views of destruction. This photo was snapped in Centralia, Pennsylanvia, site of a 43 year-old mine fire that was simmering beneath our feet. You'll see here that we are standing over where old Rt 61 literally split due to the extreme heat of the mine fire. Central, located in the heart of PA's anthracite coal country, was once a thriving town. Now, only about 10 families remain, due to the long-burning fire. For more information about the almost non-existent town of Centralia, pop over here.

Return on our investment (or "In which we finally get to play with the CIA's old toys")

So, am I alone in getting a huge kick out of all the satellite images now offered by our favorite internet map sites? I mean, who knew Dick Cheney's house looks like a big blob when viewed from above (maybe they used a little too much TNT when they were building those post-9/11 bunkers)?

But I have to say that Amazon's A9 Maps goes a little too far in its offering street level photos. Being able to see rooftops and cars and such is one thing, but A9 offers candid stills of poor schmucks unlucky enough to have been caught in the sights of Jeff Bezos' cameraman. To see what I'm talking about, check out this shot of a few diners at Geno's one afternoon.

This is Annoying

While channel surfing, I flipped into the new Tyra Banks talk show. It only took me about half a second to realize that "Tyra" is the worst talk show to hit the airwaves since "Gabrielle" (and I think we all remember "Gabrielle"). Tyra was especially idiotic this morning as she was hosting a show on girls with body image problems. Yes, a successful, beautiful supermodel was trying to counsel average young women about their body image problems. Does anyone else see something disturbing about that? I finally had to flip off the TV when Tyra pinched her "imperfect belly" to show how she had fat too. It really was too much. I think I'm gonna go eat a donut.

Bag Lady Chic Just Ain't Cool

I don't care about the millions of young men who anxiously awaited the Olsen twins' 18th birthday. Apparently that fateful day inaugurated their tranformation from cutesy teeney bopper to bag lady chic. Ick.

The Freakiest College Around

As I was was driving around Loudon County, Virginia over the weekend I remembered an eerie article I read a few months back about a newish college out in VA that "trains" Christian boys and girls to be politicians. Obviously, I fear additional wacko right wing nuts entering America's political system, but I get nightmares when I envision these kids dressed in their southern frat boy/sorority girl outfits (diagonal wide striped ties, navy blue blazers, Duckhead khakis and women in perfect strands of pearls and ballet flats) wandering around my hometown. I saw this creepy college from my convertible and immediately felt icky, but I did feel a little glee when I realized the campus was really ugly.

Just to tease you, here are a few tidbits from this tantalizing tale of the dark side:

• During class hours, the college enforces a “business casual” dress code designed to prepare the students for office life
• About 85% come from home schooling
• Two of the kids profiled wanted their first kiss to be at their wedding.
• One kid sent out a nine-page e-mail to the entire student body before the spring formal reminding the girls to dress modestly.
  

A Brief Word of Seriousness

I'm not one to be Ms. Serious, but the hurricane situation has me mesmerized and feeling very fortunate in this world. But, it makes this story about what people had studied about New Orleans all the more intriguing (thanks to Mr. F for sending). Note the menu at the top that shows this story is from October 2004.

Magic Bullet - Another Ridiculous Product?

Continuing the idea of the previous post regarding the crap Americans purchase, I'd like to play homage to the Magic Bullet. The infomercial wows its studio panel with individual margaritas and insta-salsa. While I always giggled at the infomercial on Saturday mornings, I never dreamed I would be a somewhat co-owner of this item until my lovely boyfriend/co-homeowner was given one for his 29th birthday.

It sat in the box several days while we decided whether to keep it or not. But finally, we broke into the juicer portion of the bullet. Yes, I was a naysayer about the potential magic that the bullet could perform, but I was wrong. The little bullet really delivers! It juiced us some tasty peach-apple juice. It zizzed some groovy gazpacho. What will be next? A cereal smoothie? A frozen beer blend? Frankly, the Magic Bullet is just as amazing as the Turbo Cooker!

Let's go shopping...for crap!

I need to write God a thank you note, 'cos He delivered a little piece of heaven into my mailbox the other day. That's right...I'm talking about the latest Harriet Carter catalog!!!

So much to choose from! Should I get the Hide-A-Pipe Stump, the Color-Changing Lighthouse, or the Eggstractor???

And best of all -- this is a suburban Philadelphia company. Pennsylvania pride, baby!

Kooky Countries

I just found this article just downright bizarre. How do leaders, or anyone, become this strange? The naming months of the calendar after family members really brings me a few giggles. I guess Turkmenistan will have to be crossed off my possible future vacation spots list.

Craiglist: A Plethora of Fabulousness

Craigslist postings constantly amuse me. Here are two goodies found today by Lloyd61. Thanks, Hoochie.
POSTS: A Really Lame Life and Porntastic. Both are just so bizarre.

I Miss Mix Tapes/CDs

It seems the wonderous invention of the iPod has thrown the idea of mix tapes or cds onto the shelves of the past. Every scroll of the wheel comes a mix of old and new favorites when you are porting around Steve Jobs' piece of genius.

Here is a nice little story about the deep contributions of mixes. They really are the stories of our lives.

Mini Review: The New Willy Wonka

Two chocolate bars up to the new Willy Wonka movie. I caught the vibrant, colorful and amusing movie last evening with a bunch of four to seven year olds (it wan an early movie). I'm not sure what was funnier: Johnny Depp's giddy performance or the little kids giggling at the movie.

The movie was darker than the original, fortunately losing some of the sappy sentimentality that Gene Wilder and the script brought to the original. However, it did have a slighty sweet subplot of Willy Wonka being the tortured child of an evil dentist, also serving as a reference to another creepy Depp character, Edward Scissorhands (he too was wacky due to his parents). This was a nice tongue-in-cheek nod to the pop psychology permeating our world.

The kids in the movie had a cool cartoon-like appearance, and were pleasantly updated for 2005, but were somewhat under-directed. I would have liked a little more sassiness or silliness from their characters. Group dance numbers were performed by an odd-looking single Oompa Loompa computer-multipled to many. Thankfully, there were new songs to sing (aren't we all tired of the old song?). But really, this was a movie focused on one man: Johnny Depp. I'm not normally a Depp fan, but I found myself laughing at his well-written, and well-delivered one-liners and wanting more.

Everything is funnier out of context

In the spirit of my co-blogger's recommendation that we all recall the mirth of the Vent Line, I stumbled across another gem of a website that a friend had introduced me to a little over a year ago. The Found Magazine website features images of photos, notes, and other random crap that people have just found lying around this wacky world of ours.

I must say that I let loose a particularly hearty chortle over the 08 May 2005 "Find of the Week".

Virginia is for Apple lovers

Seems residents of the Old Dominion know a good deal when they see one. I'm not sure I'd pee on myself for a cheap 4-year-old iBook, but you gotta admire that kind of determination. Or not.

Are YOU Ready for the Next AI Auditions?

Help is here for the thousands (and I know who you are) who plan on auditioning for America's favorite TV show, "American Idol." I'm sure this book will help you make it straight to Randy, Simon and Paula. And if not, I'm guessing there are several other "services" that will show you how to make it big on Idol, with three easy payments of $49.95. Thanks to a loyal reader for sharing this important piece of information. And, if you make it big and get to meet Constantine, please give me some love.

He Only Wished He Was a Showgirl

I stood in stunned silence on Tuesday night when I caught a glimpse of ESPN's newest star. Everyone's second favorite "Saved by the Bell" star, Mario Lopez (second after Elizabeth Berkley, of course), is now the co-anchor of "ESPN-Hollywood." I'll try not to commet on a sports network having their own version of "Access Hollywood."

August in Washington

It's August in Washington, and that means everyone has left town, traffic barely exists, and people exchange real thought for daydreams. It's a glorious time really, except for the annoying heat. Perhaps it's in the same in NYC, from where my co-blogger has escaped. I'm confident that he'll have crazy tales to share about his time on our friendly west coast when he returns. So, as you can tell, this all really means I'm bored at the moment, so I'm adding the very first photos to the blog! Whooo!

What could be better than a photo and news about my fave Idol? In fact, just today, a new album came out today with a song by Constantine. This Queen tribute album has his version of "Bohemian Rhapsody." Hopefully, it will tie me over until he has his own album come out one day (and not the crap he does with his oddly-named band).

Germans: They Really Do Make Neat Stuff

A sassy and silly reader of this blog sent along this link yesterday -- thanks Lloyd61. The Germans are very inventive people. First the uber fun-driving Volkswagon (particularly the extra-fun, sportiest, most affordable convertible on the market -- the Cabrio -- may they resurrect it again one day), and now this important contribution to the world.

Besides being a little icky, this item really is public service, entertainment, and political activism rolled up into one. It warns people not to step into excrement, is generally funny, and it involves people in the political process. Only the Germans could have engineered something so intricate.

Flashing Lights and Gelato

Besides our Canadian friends' funny way of talking (Mazda is pronounced with a flat "a"), our Canadian friends are very obsessed with blinking green traffic lights and gelato. Every other block (meaning the blocks without Starbucks), you'll see gelato stores here in Vancouver. Who knew these people were so obsessed with the Italian ice cream -- there really is no logical explanation. Perhaps I'll survey people on the street today.