This man frightens boy scouts!

Heck, boy scouts have a right to be frightened in a world plagued by rouge helicopters and sports arenas without competing tenants.

Confused? Listen to the gospel according to David Thompson.

Dreams do come true!

So I happened to be browsing recent wrestling results on PWTorch.com when I happened upon this little tidbit -- a former Real World kid is now a WWE wrestler! Mike Mizanin of "Real World 10: Back to New York" has managed to turn his "The Miz" character into the latest wacky crossover in sports entertainment. I guess all those appearances on RW/RR Challenges just weren't paying the bills. We here at STSS wish The Miz the best of luck!

Vodka Tasting - Numero Uno: Battle of the Flavors

A few friends and I have dedicated ourselves to finding the perfect vodka for every occasion. It is not an easy task, as we must subject ourselves to several rounds of sipping many selections. First we must taste each vodka straight up (with an optional ice cube), then each vodka with seltzer, and lastly each vodka in some type of mixed cocktail.

This round included three females and one male. All pledged their devotion and excitement for the event. And, following the event's conclusion, all pledged to participate in future tastings.

Tasting Numero Uno: Citrus and Vanilla Vodkas

Lineup - Part A: Ketel One Citroen versus Absolut Citron
(mixed cocktail for this round: vodka, cranberry and a tad of limeade....named last evening the "East-West Highway")
Winner - Part A: Ketel One easily wins the straight, with seltzer and with mixer categories. Due to how sucky Absolut tasted versus Ketel One, we have all signed contracts banning Absolut Citron from our lives, unless we're serving it to large dumb groups or people we don't really like. One taster repeatedly commented about the "Lemon Pledgey-ness" of the Absolut. The group unanimously thought the Ketel One was very smooth in the mixed cocktail.

Lineup - Part B: Solti Vanilla versus Absolut Vanilla
(mixed drink for this round: vodka and Coke Zero)
Winner - Part B: Stoli Vanilla wins the with selzter category, but Absolut Vanilla wins in the mixed drink category. Absolut Vanilla seemed to hide the fake sweetener in the Coke Zero better than the Stoli. So diet drinkers: heed the warning!

Next up: Battle of the plain vodkas. Stay tuned.

Butt-toucher

I love this ad. In case our audience hasn't seen it, I offer it here. Because I am to please.

Tokyo Report - Part 1

Call it good luck. Call it karma. Call it divine intervention. Whatever it was, it was pretty cool.

There I was in the lobby of my hotel in Tokyo last week when a friend says to me, “Hey, that’s Antonio Inoki!”

Before you ask, let me explain that Antonio Inoki was only one of the very best Japanese pro-wrestlers in recorded history. So famous that he once battled Mohammed Ali! And was in a Bad News Bears movie! And then, just to keep them guessing, he became a member of parliament for a while (the Japanese national parliament, not Parliament Funkadelic, though that would be pretty cool too…). He’s even met Saddam Hussein!

Alas, Mr. Inoki quickly boarded a waiting limo and disappeared into the night before I had a chance to snap a photo. But I now include him in an ever-growing list of pro-wrestling legends I have encountered, however briefly, in civilian life:

• John Kronos of The Eliminators – I bumped into him and his daughter at Geno’s Steaks in South Philly. Nice guy.
  
• The Great Sasuke – Another wrestler/politician. I even got his business card!
• Detox – A neighbor of mine growing up. He didn’t look like this then.
• Some buff lady wrestler from Kentucky – I wish I could remember her name. She kindly took photos with me and my friends at a pro-wrestling event we attended in a local gymnasium. She said she worked during the week as a bouncer in a Tokyo gaijin bar.
  

Stayin' Alive

With all the Congressman Foley madness running rampant in DC, I am obliged to post some new song lyrics penned by a stroke of genius today. The side photo inspired these lyrics. (And for those who don't know, the other guy in the photo is Michael Brown, otherwise known as "Brownie" to George Bush. He's the former FEMA director who was "doing a great job" when the administration was, um, "forgetting" about a big hurricane.)

The new "Stayin' Alive" written by "Professor Callahan":

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a pompous man: no time to talk.
Broken levies, pages warm, we sucked a silver spoon
When we were born.
And now it's all right. It's ok.
And you may look the other way.
We can surely understand
ABC news' effect on man.

Whether I'm a cruiser or whether I'm a boozer,
I'm stayin alive, stayin alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
But were stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

Well now, you get low and I get high,
And I roll my pants and I stay dry.
Got the seed of pages on my shoes.
Dirty old men... just cant lose.
You know it's all right. It's ok.
I'll live to see another day.
And we don't give a hot goddamn...
'Bout ABC's effect on man.

Whether I'm a cruiser or whether I'm a boozer,
I'm stayin alive, stayin alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
But were stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

You're goin' nowhere. But we won't help you.
Nobody helps you, yeah.
You're goin' nowhere. But we won't help you.
Good luck, good luck on stayin' alive.

Benefits of the Job

Did you know that no one physically controls the cameras when The Weather Channel is live on tv? It's true! This is one of the fun facts I learned when I got a tour of The Weather Channel studios today. Some dude sitting at a computer moves the cameras. Hilarious! All the people forecasting the weather are sitting in the middle of the studio feeding the on-air people info, who are usually right in front of their version of a newsroom.

And check out this guy...I met him (apparently his name is Marshall, not that I knew this before looking him up on the Internet moments ago) and he is just as cheesy as he looks in this photo. In fact, if you were watching TWC between 9:30 and 10am this morning, you would have seen me walk through the studio behind my new friend Marshall! Ha!

I also learned that the female weather people on tv have stalkers! Apparently there are some weirdos out there who try and stalk these chicks. Ahhh...better add "weather" to the list of fetishes in the world...

Thanks, WB

The "WB" is my favorite double entendre this week as it's quite ironic that I need to say thanks to a few WBs at the same time.

First, I'd like to thank the World Bank for telling me not to vacation in Somalia or East Timor because of terrorism, armed conflict and epidemic disease (the WB released a new report on places not to travel). YUM! While I was considering these locations for my next exotic canoeing adventure, I will now refocus my efforts into vacationing in Iraq, which strangely is not listed. Umm...I can't even fathom how Iraq is a safe and fun place to grab some marginally fresh meat kabobs and see some blown-up historical sites right now.

As for the other WB, the fine WB network, I must say thanks for the memories. The WB this week will evolve into the CW -- the pulling together of UPN and WB shows into a "new" network. So, thank you for the sappy teen drama with dialogue written specifically for an adult audience (Dawson's Creek). And thanks for sharing the tales of a whiney college student in the big city (Felicity). The countless hours I've wasted (and now continue to waste - thank you Noggin for bringing me DC) made life that much happier for me.

All Hail the Nyfork!

Continuing my fascination with bizarre kitchen products (especially ones that are pimped on late night TV), I stumbled across the Nyfork today. Could this be the world's most perfect eating utensil? No longer do I have to remember to bring the knife AND fork to my table (coffee table that is -- America's favorite place to dine). I really hope to soon see the Nyfork's infomercial. I must learn how many different things this special utensil can cut, cuz I eat pizza with my own greasy fingers (no word on when they will get their own infomercial).

Everyone's Favorite Cousin

Do you remember Cousin Oliver? Well I certainly do, being the "Brady Bunch" junkie that I am. A certain significant other of mine wouldn't have a clue if I made a reference to Cousin Oliver in passing, but not all of us can be weened on TV. Still, I find making these bizarre TV references part of my life. Anyway, just thought I'd share a "blast from the past" interview with him from today's Post. Funny stuff.

I love the Internet. I love classic TV. And I love the Washington Post, the big city, national paper without feeling the need to act high and mighty.

On furries and wrestling...

OK, so I don't think these people technically qualify as furries/fursuiters, but they come pretty close...

This past weekend I decided to take in a bit of culture and caught a show by a little performance art troupe called Kaiju Big Battel (video). Basically it entails a bunch of adults dressed in Power Ranger-meets-Godzilla monster-esque costumes fighting in a pro wrestling ring, complete with elaborate back-stories and a punk rock soundtrack (the opening act was the "Japanese Action Comic Punk" band Peelander-Z -- catch them live at the old ECW Arena on 8/26!). Good guys! Bad guys! A Joey Styles-esqe commentator! Wacky props (the first match involved scaling a 12' paper mache Empire State Building)! Talk about sensory overload.

Even better was the sold-out crowd. Imagine a weird, overly-tatooed hybrid of the crowd of a Ramones show genetically-spliced with the attendees of a ComicCon. And add a few families for good measure. And a few furries (not part of the show, but fans who took it upon themselves to bring their own costumes).

A good time was had by all.

Oh, and while I'm on the subject of furries, Liane Hansen had a guest on Weekend Edtion Sunday this week who has done a little research in the furry phenomenon. Furry is the flavor of the week!

What will geeks think of next?

I found this on Google Video this evening, not knowing anything about the context. Seems the song is from Avenue Q and the images are from the "massively-multiplayer online role-playing game" (MMORPG, in geek-speak) World of Warcraft.

Pretty funny stuff. Hooray for witty dorks!

Microsoft top brass is sooooo declasse...

A little bird sent me this today, pointing out that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer had taken a page out of Howard Dean's playbook. I don't agree. It is more like Ballmer was trying to prove that he is indeed the whacked-out love child of Dean and CNBC loudmouth Jim Cramer. And if you thought that was bad, take a look at how much this man can sweat. Eeeewwwww!!!

Kids Love Millionaires!

Never in a million years would I have imagined that my multi-gazillionaire former employer would be signing a kid's head. But heck, I guess it is a lot more likely than him signing someone's ass. Perhaps the office "autopen" should be sent out to sign other body parts...or even better, perhaps an official "Jay Rock" tatoo needs to be created and sold!

The Whole World Loves Infomercials

Flipping through the satellite channels (grr...satellite bad...cable good) at a beachside Turkish hotel, I found the holy grail -- a Magic Bullet infomercial! While it has been renamed "Merlin" for European audiences, I was equally dazzled in Turkey (just as I was here at home) by the fruit smoothies the "bullet" whipped and the onions it chopped.

To even further heighten my brief TV viewing, the next channel I flipped to was a "find God" informercial. I know super Jesus people like to take their message to the world and all, but taking their message to a non-Christian oriented country? I wish them luck.

I would have opted for a Bob Schieffer theme, but...

This isn't new news, but it still makes me laugh so I thought I should share.

Apparently in these great United States there exists this cool little kid who insisted on a "Jim Lehrer News Hour" theme for his 3rd birthday party. This might make him an outcast among the pre-school crowd, but he's a hero in my book. And it'll be great fodder for his college application essay in about 15 years.

So Long TV Genius

Before it gets too late, I must pay homage to the recently departed Aaron Spelling. His dream of creating television dramas aimed at teens/twentysomethings certainly brought much joy to my life over the years. Although I enjoyed the antics of a wacky cruise ship crew, it wasn't until Brandon, Brenda, Dylan and Kelly graced my screen that I knew Spelling really spelled "genius."

Thank you, Aaron, for delighting me with the sagas of rich California kids for the last 14 years (yes, 90210 is still on - check out the SOAP network daily). And thank you, Aaron, for bringing a new era of trashy soap TV via "Melrose Place" for my generation. Without you, my hours of couch potatoing would have been full of just sitcoms.

Note: We will not comment about a certain lame "family-oriented" show on the WB that Mr. Spelling is also credited as producing. His legacy should really try to separate him from that piece of ultimate dullness.

Threesome Fun

Props go out to television network TV Land for their "Three's Company" marathon over the weekend. More than 48 hours of threesome fun definitely brightened my rainy days. I had forgotten how much I loved the antics of Mr. Furley and Larry. Although I watched this show in reruns as a youngster, viewing it as an adult brought about many questions, such as:

1. Why would two women in their 20's (if not their 30's) want to share a bedroom and sleep in a twin bed?
2. Did people really pretend in the years 1977 -1984 that women never had sex in their bedroom?
3. Did Janet go to college? (We know Jack was in the Navy and then went to cooking school.)
4. Can three people really share a bathroom ALL the time?
5. Why didn't the gang ever get drunk at the Regal Beagle? They always went, but there was no drunkenness.
6. How old was this gang really supposed to be? They seem older than 27.
7. Where was the TV? Their living room had no TV, and that seems sad.
8. Why didn't we ever see them go to the beach? They lived in southern Cali, but we only saw the gang in very few locations.

Elle Meets the Next President!

The South is a weird place -- and yes, Richmond is really the South. A few drinks after a friend's wedding turned into quite a political romp as my gang met up with suprise hotel guest, future presidential candidate Mark Warner. He was a very nice fellow decked out in jeans and a polo shirt. He gets my non-Hillary vote.

But our brush with Virginia political fame wasn't the most exciting event at the Jefferson Hotel on Saturday evening. The Virginia Republican Party was having their annual gala dinner at the same time Mark Warner's presidential support group was having a weekend meeting. Unfortunately, the historic hotel's rotunda area did not turn into a ECW wrestling arena with the Dems table-slamming and chair-bashing some old southern, drunk Republicans.

America's Secret Club

America's favorite TV show has a secret fan club. There are thousands of people who rush home every Tuesday night to watch "American Idol," yet their family, friends and coworkers have no idea what they are doing between 8 and 9pm. "I need to go do my laundry" and "I need to feed my goldfish" are some excuses that are floated around 7:55pm on Tuesdays. Haven't you noticed the people who dash away from the water cooler as soon as the Katharine's knee-humping is mentioned?

This secret fan club exists because I know them. I know they they hide amongst us. Yet, it isn't until after several drinks that their club membership is revealed when they opine about the gray-haired man shaking his moneymaker.

Why are people afraid to admit they like the cutting comments from Simon? Why do they hide the fact that they can't live without seeing Paula's nightly live TV insaity? Don't these people realize that there are few of us who can resist the utter cheese that brings America so much joy?

Next question for next time...Why are there "American Idol" haters out there? How can anyone hate something so simple and wholesome as a singing show?

Don't Mess With Burritos

This is where I draw the line. Obviously the US faces some serious immigration issues, but damnit, don't mess with burritos! Next to the quesadilla, the burrito may be the world's perfect food (quesadillas are a little better because they are primarily queso). The warm, thick flour tortilla is but a blank palate for an endless array of tasty latin flavors. America's flavor-challenged Anglo-Saxon background could never create such beautiful dish. Perfectly folded in the one of the world's best bread products, the burrito is worthy of saving for a future of well-fed Americans.

So, take away the taquitos. Eliminate the egg rolls. Stamp out schnitzel. Kick out the kim-chi. But please, battle for the wonderous burrito!

Smokin' Tinis

My co-blogger and I were both in America's most boring city, St. Louis, this month. While Bruiser hit up the International Bowling Hall of Fame, I sought the Arch city's most secret treat -- the smoking martini. A self-defined cocktail expert, I have not seen a lovely pink smoking pomegranate martini in my many cocktailing escapades around the country. So, while St. Louis may have little to offer in terms of unique culture (outside of bowling, of course), the town does have the only smoking martini I've ever seen. Thank you oh wonderous dry ice...and I hope other places take a cue and make our martinis a little more frisky. [Note to readers: The cocktail smoked more when I first got it. I was just slow on the photographing. Blame it on the 'tinis I guess.]

Language learning made fun!

Those 8:00 AM foreign language classes in college would have been much more fun if we used texts like the one described in this blog entry. I'm sure any Japanese who studied from this book would blend right in in "da hood".

So, thank you, Randall C. Miller, Jr. You are a valuable asset to the field of cross-cultural communication. And you wear that do-rag well.

Yay Tori!

As one of 90210's biggest fans, I must give a brief shout-out to the new Tori Spelling show "So NoTorious." Full of wacky pop culture references (including famous episodes of 90210), Tori Spelling takes direct aim on her own life and makes fun of herself and her family. It's legitimately sassy, giggle-worthy and fun, something most other TV shows should consider as important ingredients. And, Tori's hair and outfits are pretty normal and attractive, something that can't be said of Donna Martin.

But this show is more than laughs. "So NoTorious" not only redeems Tori Spelling from a Wikipedia entry noting that she is a washed-up actress, but also redeems VH1 from showing hours and hours of crap everyday. VH1 bores cable subscribers with celebrity gossip shows that have no gossip and additional seasons of the "Surreal Life," a show I'm convinced no one watches (and I know a lot of people who watch a lot of crap). Is there a more boring channel than VH1, other than TNT showing continous reruns of "Law and Order"?

Love and Hate at Wal-Mart

I have a love-hate relationship with Wal-Mart. I hate how they force retailers to package things how they want it, censor fine rap music, put small businesses in the toilet, treat their fine employees and lack high-end bottled water. On the other hand, a Wal-Mart Supercenter (especially the fine Supercenter in Martinsburg, WV where they even have seltzer - a rare find for Wal-Mart) is really the only place in America where there is everything that you need. Beer, prescription drugs, guns, somewhat trendy clothes made of crappy fabric in China, $2.50 DVDs, and all things camoflauge...its all under one roof.

I was reminded of my love-hate feelings this morning when I read a story of a guy who lives in a Wal-Mart for a few days. This real-life story is even better than the crappy Natalie Portman flick where she gives birth in a Wal-Mart (how that didn't ruin her career, I just don't know).

What's in a name?

For those of us who don't live on the Internet plotting ways to keep Chicken Little around a little longer on American Idol, I thought I should let you know about the latest craze.

"Snakes on a Plane" looks to be the multiplex hit of the summer. Even without a trailer or substantial official website yet, this movie has some serious buzz. So much buzz that NPR ran a story on it today. To really appreciate how sick people are for this otherwise probably crappy movie, take a look at this arguably obsessive fan site -- Snakes on a Blog.

Again, kudos to The Houseguests for having clued me into this pop culture phenom.

And if you have a lot of free time, watch Ultimate Showdown again to see (and finally understand why) Sam Jackson gets the smackdown by a few pythons during the second chorus.

My Target 'tis of thee...

Talk about shock and awe.

I was appalled to learn last week that President Bush’s former domestic policy advisor, Claude Allen, got busted in a sloppy attempt to defraud my very favorite Montgomery County, MD Target store. But according to WeeklyRadioAddress.com, there might be a valid explanation for Mr. Allen's seemingly anti-American behavior.

Last week’s episode was pretty damn funny, too.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...

If you have ~20 minutes to spare, Act One of this episode of This American Life is worth a listen. These kids sound like a lot of fun. But I feel sorry for the ducks...

Who needs cable, when entertainment like this is free...

This needs no commentary. Just watch it. And remember to turn on the subtitles.

Almost as funny as this.

Props go to The Houseguests for introducing me to these. And curse them for me now having both these tunes stuck in my head!

An gallon of deliciousness in every drop...

To commemorate a loyal ITSC member’s visit to the land of plastic food and dirty underwear vending machines, I’d like to introduce you all to a little site called Engrish.com. It will happy laugh fun time for your pleasure life. Clap clap.

Name This Car!

Naming cars is almost as popular as naming houseplants. Everyone is doing it, especially chicks. Since I'm not a big "car namer," my mom has always named my cars for me. In my younger years, I had Beluga (a lovely aqua-tinted Toyota MR2.I was the coolest chick in high school). Now, I pop around the city in Topper (a friendly blue VW Cabrio).

Anyway, I have a friend who takes the naming of her car very seriously. A car's name must show off its personality, sound pleasant and not be utterly ludicrous. It's essentially like naming a child. This same friend currently is pondering the name of her new-to-her, green VW Jetta. She has a few names in mind, but could use some inspiration. What says green Jetta to you? Hopefully, this picture will arouse you to dream up a fabulous name and then respond below.

Let the games begin!

Crunches with Condi

Or "Sweatin' with the Vulcan". Or "Gettin' Ripped with Rice". So many potential names for this piece...

According to Reuters, my least favorite NBC4 newscaster, Barbara Harrison, will shock the Washington metro area with some very important news this week -- the intricacies of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's workout regimen. Fire up those TiVos! Or not.

What next? Will Donald Rumsfeld co-host a movie review of "Syriana" with entertainment reporter extraordinaire Arch Campbell? Or maybe Alberto Gonzalez will guest host an edition of "It's Academic" with Mac McGarry. (Editor's note: I was shocked to find that there is a Wikipedia site for "It's Academic". People have too much free time.)

Curry and Rice

I submit the following for your viewing pleasure.

Biodata? Who writes this stuff? These guys, I guess.

Fair trade?

I ain't talkin' NAFTA, folks.

No, I'm referring to a recent deal between media conglomerates Walt Disney Co. and NBC Universal that sent "Monday Night Football" announcer Al Michaels packing to NBC in exchange for the rights to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Oswald the what? Exactly.

Oh, the indignity!

Washingtonians Talk Funny

I love Washingtonians (and former Washingtonians). I just asked my co-blogger what he's been up to since he's been quiet as of late, and this is his reponse: You know...the usual. Slacking off. Fighting the war on terror. Watching CSPAN. Memorizing the State of the Union. You wouldn't hear that response from just anyone. I'm very amused.

RPS - Not Just a Kids Game Anymore

Everyone's favorite kids game is sweeping bars across the nation -- Rock Paper Scissors. On Wednesday night at my favorite DC bar (The Rooster), I had the pleasure of competing in the newly formed USA Rock Paper Scissors League (USARPS). Open to the masses, and sponsored by my least favorite brand of water (Bud Light), slightly drunken people are encouraged to pull out their hands and go head-to-head with fellow barmates in hopes of winning a trip to the national tournament in my new favorite city (Las Vegas). While I only came in third, I was awarded a requisite rad RPS hat and watched fellow drinking pal Peter win the night. Next up: a trip across town to watch Peter compete to be the DC RPS winner. If he wins, off to Vegas and television fame he goes! Did I mention that A&E has signed on to telecast the USARPS League finals?

DDR and WV

I love West Virginia, not just because of the lovely mountains and availability of moonshine, but because the state has started a new program to tackle obesity in kids. As one of the "largest" states in America, the kids often have weight problems, likely stemming from never learning that "fried" doesn't mean "good for you." So, the state is reaching out to kids and instituting everyone's second fave video game, Dance Dance Revolution, as part of gym class in schools! Seriously. I'm not lying. Read the reports here and here. What's next? Karaoke Revolution becomes music class?

I knew this guy couldn't be trusted!

Never bet on a guy with big hair. As if it weren't bad enough that some dude had been defaming a Kennedy administration official on Wikipedia, it seems Adam Curry (yes, that old MTV VJ Adam Curry) got busted for tweaking the site's entry for "podcasting" to try and give himself more credit for its proliferation that he is actually due.

This is technically old news, but I thought I'd post something here to document STSS' displeasure at Mr. Curry's abuse of the Internets. Shame on you, Hair Boy!

Light Beer Inventor Has Left the Building

Christmas was a little less festive this year for light beer drinkers everywhere. Before the un-sober holidays, the inventor of light beer, Mr. Joe Owades, passed away. Some would say this man had a monumental contribution to society. I, on the other hand, would say that the words "beer" and "light" shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Thanks to drinking buddy Peter for bringing this important story to my attention, and for never drinking light beer.

Washington's Holiday Lights

Before the holiday season whips by us, I must share Washington’s most famous holiday light display. Nestled amongst multi-million dollar homes in a posh DC neighborhood, one can only imagine how their neighbors must enjoy the crowds that line the streets to witness this “interesting” display every evening. What you can’t see in the photo is a decorated backyard with Santa and his reindeer, a jack-in-the-box and trees representing prayers. My favorite part was watching as people pose inside the nativity scene for a photo with the bright background.

Time to Mourn the Dunkin Donuts Guy

I have been hyper-sensitive to the ever increasing presence of ol' standby Dunkin Donuts ever since they started building one near my childhood home (construction time -- approximately 18 months!) and since noting that the directions to the Yuengling brewery use the Pottsville branch as a landmark. So I was saddened to see that Fred the Baker (aka - "Time to make the donuts" guy) passed just a few days ago. Thanks for the memories...

Festivus isn't just for TBS anymore...

Inspired by my co-blogger's explaination of why the New York City transit strike ended so abruptly ("It's a Festivus miracle!"), I thought it appropriate to post this article about a Pennsylvania town that celebrates Frank Costanza's brain-child holiday.

And did you know that there is a company in Milwaukee that sells Festivus poles? If I had only known before December 23...

Licky Licky

In our continuing series of factory and other tourist attraction tours, I recently found myself at the Ben and Jerry's factory in Waterbury, Vermont. Fortunately I didn't go to Vermont just visit B&J's, as the tour was marginally lame AND they charged $3. B&J's isn't the ice cream wonderland you'd hope it to be. There is no "make your own sundae" bar, you can't roll around in large tubs of Cherry Garcia, and you don't get to pick your own ice cream flavor to sample. Visitors are only allowed to sample a tablespoon-size serving of the two flavors of the day.

Clearly, B&J's is not in the class of the Yuengling tour. I'll blame this on the corporatization of B&J's, as it was bought by the massive food/drug/toiletry conglomerate, Unilever, a few years ago. Next thing ya know, corporatization will lead B&J's to only make vanilla ice cream.

Pimp My Nutcracker

The Internet never ceases to amaze and amuse me. During this holiday season, the Internet has yet again delivered a special gem. I hope you can visit my favorite new web site, Pimp My Nutcracker. You too can design the nutcracker that has danced in your sugar plum dreams. Print out your nutcracker creation, and sneak it into a stocking for a truly special stocking stuffer.

Jesus at work...literally

Looking for a little religion during the holidays? Not sure if you’ll find it here, but it is pretty darn funny. Be sure to visit the site it is a spoof of as well. I’m not sure which site made me laugh more.

(NOTE: I think it is important to point out that my mother introduced me to this site…and just a few minutes before we left for church today.)

Mile High Club: Problematic on a Variety of Levels

Just when you thought joining the Mile High Club might be fun and entertaining (after you spent all those years dealing your feelings of potentially touching the grossness that exists in airplane bathrooms), there is a story that will cause you to rethink your future fun. This is a story of a couple who were heard in a fit of passion in the friendly skies, and were charged the fee of diverting their plane. So next time you get Mile High dreams, either be quiet or beware.

Sodas Sodas Everywhere

Quick poll: Do you ever try the new-flavored sodas that our fine, American soda companies introduce? Do you slurp down a bottle of AMP, yet another disgusting Red Bull knock-off brewed by Pepsi? What about Sprite ReMix? And I'm not going to even start on the Thanksgiving dinner sodas recently introduced by the small Jones Soda Company. Fizzy turkey and gravy in a bottle just doesn't sound appealing.

Anyway, I ask this important question because Coke today announced they would introduce a new soda called "Blak" next year. This will be a coffee infused beverage that I'm sure will be just about as popular as the wonderously famous Pepsi Kona (as my co-blogger so sagely pointed out today). I actually tried Pepsi Kona. As a coffee and cola lover, I was disappointed when the liquid touched my tongue. I have never tasted something so disgusting.

For me, the only newish soda that's worth drinking is part of a mix concocted at Baja Fresh: Mountain Dew Code Red (actually very tasty) with a few limes and a splash of Sierra Mist...tastes just like the Sonic Cherry Limeade at Sonic Drive-Ins (which tragically are no where near the northeast). And of course, my all-time favorite is the mystery cherry soda (only labeled "cherry" on the fountain sign) at Ishkabibbles in Philly. No one makes a cherry soda any better.

This guy has a lot to say

I really don’t know what to say about this. Except that this guy loves holidays. And America. And video games. And pro-wrestling. And sports. And his favorite properties on the Monopoly game board are Boardwalk and Park Place. And he does a mean write-up of his “adventure” playing Madden on the new X-Box.

WARNING: You might want to turn the volume down on your computer before visiting Mikey’s site.

A real American hero...and IM buddy of the son of God?

A little bird pointed me in the direction of Chuck Norris’ official website the other day. (No, this is not a joke) And what a site it is! Chock full of great photos and data to “inform and inspire Chuck Norris fans all over the world”.

Of particular interest:

• Chuck Mart – Still looking for a holiday gift for that special someone? How about a poster of Mr. Norris and the full text of “Chuck’s Code of Ethics”? (“I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”)
• “Christian Area” – I’m not sure what this has to do with Chuck, but the page features an email from none other than Jesus himself!!! I bet they have wicked fast broadband in heaven. It is just too bad they didn't share Christ's email address with us. I guess he doesn't want to receive any spam.
  

Turducken – Not Just Another Mystery Meat

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, we all must fondly reflect and consider the many things for which we’re thankful. This year I want to give thanks for an important part of American cuisine – the turducken. This often laughed at delicacy truly demonstrates American ingenuity. We should thank our inventive forefathers, be it in Cajun country or eastern Texas, for dreaming big and not stopping until each bird was securely stuffed. I’m sure many, many hours were spent toiling over the oven to perfect this wondrous creation. Melding the layers of turkey, duck, chicken and stuffing takes a gentle hand, hours of patience, and a strong stomach (as the above image looks a little “interesting”).

Let us also thank famed football announcer John Madden for sharing the once strange idea of several birds stuffed into each other. It was John who talked about this magical delight and gave the turducken its now famed recognition. I hope you take time to read this National Geographic tribute to the turducken, as you too will become thankful for the turducken. And the next time you have 12-16 hours to spare, perhaps you should say, “I’m going to make a turducken!”

Thank You, People

Few things brighten my day at work more than the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. The editors got it right this year by naming one of my faves, Matthew McConaughey, as the Sexiest Man Alive for 2005. Although he dates a bird girl, his ravishing good looks and sweet smile can make anyone a believer. The other sexy men included are goodies too: Patrick Dempsey (the second best guy in “Sweet Home Alabama”), Nick Lachey (yes, I’m really a teenage girl), Matt Damon (an oldie but goodie), Vince Vaughn (the brooding, bad boy, hot guy), Anderson Cooper (not as hot as Bill Hemmer, but he’s on FoxNews now, so he deserves nothing), and Clive Owen (see “Closer” and you will agree to this choice). Despite these skilled selections, People’s editors needs their collective heads examined if they really think the sleazy, over-smoked Dennis Leary and the frightening Ian McShane are anywhere close to sexy.

Finally, a political party for the rest of us

Tired of sissy, mealy-mouthed Democrats? Sick of rabid Bible-thumpin', poor-people-hatin', hypocritical Republicans? Well, brothers and sisters, I bring you good news...

I learned of the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party when voting in my local polling station here in my NYC 'hood last week. Now there's a platform I can really get behind! And they have a fun little theme song. And wacky party officers. And a fantastic web-site disclaimer! Huzzah!

Goodbye, Eddie

I may not have always liked the character he played, but I was disappointed to read this morning of the passing of WWE superstar Eddie Guerrero. He was a truly despicable wrestling "heel", and if anyone had to play the sterotypical role of "Latino Heat" he at least did it with gusto. Smackdown definitely won't be the same without you, Eddie. Thanks for the good times.

How the Rich Get Everything...Part One

Check out the latest story on WV girl Katie Lee Joel, yes, wife of the infamous Billy Joel. OK, so this girl may have slept on an air mattress in my small, un-fancy condo, and now she is rich, beautiful, famous and has a show about being a food expert. No, I'm not bitter at all. The best part of the story is when it discusses how she is an expert in food, noting that she has "worked in a few restaurants." My co-blogger put it best when he noted in an email: "I worked in a Roy Rogers. Does that make me a food expert?" I think that about sums it up.

VH1: Where One Washed Up Star Show Leads to Another

I’m not typically a voracious purveyor of VH1 programming, but this weekend Peter Brady coerced me to watch. Yes, you know, Christopher Knight, the washed-up, now over-40 former member of the Brady family. Since his pre-pubescent days on my favorite after-school rerun, he’s gotten buff and landed himself a hot model from my co-blogger’s favorite show, “America’s Next Top Model.” Of course, they didn’t meet on the street; these two met on yet another VH1 reality show where former stars go for a few more bucks, “The Surreal Life.” I must be getting old (or perhaps skanky, like his 22-year old “Top Model” babe) since I watched four episodes of the pleasant “My Fair Brady” soley because I found Peter to be charming and attractive. Perhaps Chris Knight isn’t so washed up afterall…

Anyway, things quickly went downhill after the conclusion of “My Fair Brady.” VH1’s tricky, cross-marketing efforts brought me to yet another show with washed up celebrities. “But Can They Sing” is the latest attempt by pseudo celebrities to grasp one more shot at fame thinking they are trying out for “American Idol.” I watched it primarily for glimpses of the still-hot Antonio Sabato Jr., but the show’s concept and singing participants are just ridiculous. Do you know Bai Ling or Michael Capon? Neither do I, but apparently they are celebrity-enough to get on this show. Sadly, this show was just so bad I wasn’t even amused at its lameness. Whatever you do, no matter how bored you are, do not watch this show. Back to 90210 reruns I go.

And to think I felt dirty after downloading the latest Kelly Clarkson single...

First there were porn podcasts. Now the new "video iPod" has made it possible for us all to enjoy video smut during our workouts, at the laundromat, or while waiting for the bus. Hooray for technology!

Royce's may offer choices, but Apple allows for porn portability!

Note: Special thanks to Fox News for making this important news available to America's families.

A Sticky, and Maybe Stinky, Situation

You always hear about toilet seat pranks in schools and dorms, but you don't hear much outside those realms...until now. Pop over here and you will read a cheeky story about a man who got stuck on a toilet seat at the Home Depot. It had me giggling for a few minutes. Best part was that his coworkers didn't believe he was stuck!

Special Plates Are Too Wiggy

This may truly be the most unique custom license plate in America....the "Square Dancer" plate, available to all you West Virginians out there. I thought Nascar plates, or a bowler plate (for real - this does exist), was funny, but nothing is quite as bizarre as this. Don't ya love the flowy skirt image? Next time I register a car in WV, I'm getting a fun plate like this.

Happy Halloween! But what to wear?!?

Inspired by Elle's post last week about folks selling Halloween costumes for iPods on the Internet, I decided to dress up my little friends for a little trick-or-treat action this holiday season. But I'm cheap, so we've opted to make homemade costumes over paying for those overpriced fancy-pants ensembles. Here is our first attempt -- Shuffie and Big Boy as Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

Do let me know if you have any other fun suggestions for the kids.

Not Neo-Olsens, But Real Neo-Nazis

No, these chicks aren't the Olsen twins' younger sisters. They are more like evil twins. For your daily piece of disturbing information, check out this article about two freaky 13 year olds who are singing about white supremacy. Brainwashed by their evil parents, they make records singing about how the white race needs protecting. I'm sure it won't surprise you that they are home schooled (I will not even go on a tirade about that today...). And I'm sure it won't surprise any of us when they turn to the dark side one day and become hoochies.

Anyway, this is just what pop music needs (note my sarcastic tone). If I ever hear these fools on the radio, I will immediately run out and buy an Ashlee Simpson album, because although she is annoying, she is not spreading hate.

Are Ipods the New Pet?

I'm the first to admit that my friendly Apple iBook G4 is my pet. I'm allergic to cats, dogs and probably bunnies, so my happy little reliable laptop will have to remain as my only pet. Well, its seems that other people think their iPod is a pet, as the latest craze in iPod accouterments are costumes. Yes, there is a new web site devoted to Halloween (and other holiday) costumes for iPods. Gadgets and silly stuff is all fun and games, but dressing an iPod is far worse than dressing a dog (which of course has its own ridiculous quality too). Anyway, if you are looking for a Christmas present for someone who really has everything, maybe this is a site for you. And Bruiser, I know Shuffie woulda really liked to have been a pirate...

2006 Olympics Here We Come!

Bruiser and I are jazzed for the 2006 Olympic hockey tryouts. While Bruiser explored the U.S. curling circuit (for real!), he determined that a sport using a broom on ice just wasn't for him. And I just couldn't muster up enough fake emotions, or brightly colored sequined outfits, to continue any further on the ice dancing circuit. So, these "challenges" have brought us to the two-person team mini hockey competition. While we expect tough battles from the Kyrgykstan and Oman national teams, we believe our training and ample match play will be tough to beat.

Bork Didn't Bork Us

Last week, I had the "pleasure" of being wined and dined (or really, not wined enough) at National Review's 50th Anniversary party. Donning the requisite "Republican" pearls, and accompanied by a dashing Vivian Kensington, I was happy to gawk at many famous members of the dastardly party, including: the bombastic Rush Limbaugh, the psuedo-aristocratic William F. Buckley, the villainous Brett Bozell, George W's master of messed up words -- speechwriter Michael Gerson, Bob "Dr. Evil" Novak, and Sen. Joe Lieberman (who I'm sure turned over his Dem credentials as soon as the 2000 election was called to a halt).

What Republican church revival event would be complete without a "celebrity"? So, to make my night complete (since they clearly didn't tell the wait staff to pour guests enough wine), Vivian pleaded with me to get a picture alongside the infamously rejected Robert Bork. Poor guy seems to have aged without his scraggly goatee. I'm just sad that I wasn't intoxicated enough to get my own picture with an anti-celebrity.

Tony Danza Bonanza, indeed!

How’s this for a way to celebrate Columbus Day? As I was walking home from the dry cleaners yesterday I nearly tripped over Tony f’n Danza on my block! Ay oh, oh ay!

This is huge! I mean, this man wields such power that he has starred in at least 3 sitcoms as characters named “Tony” and helmed not one, but TWO shows titled “The Tony Danza Show”! (According to IMDB, he also served as executive producer for some TV movie called “Sudden Terror: The Hijacking of School Bus #17”, but I don’t remember that one.)

Why NYC chose Antonin Scalia and not Mr. Danza as their Italian-American rep to grand marshall the Columbus Day Parade, I’ll never understand.

To try to make up for this slight, I hereby dedicate today’s STSS post to Anthony Salvatore Iadanza. Thanks for making TV worth watching, Ton’!

Even Hobos Like National Parks

Ahh…I have returned from my busy travels in the American Southwest. There is much red rock, canyons and open spaces as you travel from Vegas to Utah to Arizona. It’s certainly a different world from the busy, tree-lined, coastal feel of the East Coast.

But people change when they wander away from home. I found Paulette Bonafonte taking up a hobo way of life at Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah. However, Paulette had to drink many, many beers out of a paper bag to pass out, as Utah beer can have no more than 4% alcohol. We determined that not only is 4% alcohol beer stupid, but it also tastes bad too. We deserve better from Orrin Hatch.

Multiple Wives Scare Me

I, Elle Woods, have been criss-crossing America's great Southwest during the past week, hitting places such as Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and Colorado City, Arizona. While I've missed blogging the past few days (Internet access hasn't swept the Southwest like it has in our nation's cities), I did get the pleasure of seeing my first polygamist community. YAY! It's quiet nature on a late Saturday morning and strangely sizeable houses led us (myself and traveling companion, Paulette Bonafonte) to become suspicious of what this town in the middle of nowhere was about. After a brief search upon our return to civiliation, we found that Colorado City, Arizona, is a famous polygamist community. I wish I had the chutzpah to knock on a random door and see a real-life polygamist family up close, but alas, I'm a wuss.

And don't worry, you'll get to hear (and maybe see) more Southwest adventures in upcoming days...